my last post.

was to my hater. My loved one, whom loves me so much. YOURE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE.
HOWS LIFE OVER THERE FOR YA??? HUH??? Is it so much better?????????????
fuckkkkkk, my life. haha
ANYYYYWAYYYYYS.

had to.

feeling like I need to spluuurrrge it all out on here.
my anxiety and stress levels are at an all time HIGH. I CANT EVEN FUCKING DEAL. I didn't mean for that to be in all caps.
Im pissed off at ,myself because quitting my job was probz the most stupid thing I could do.
This thought I making me hate myself even more than I already do. I already hated myself so fucking much. now I fucking loathe mysle.f. Its ridiculous.
This has absolutely nothing to do with me being stressed but I wanted to share this since she is watching my blog posts OBVIIIIIIIII... but I finally got the fist hater message of my life and im honestly flattered.

so let me just set something straight...I fuckiiiiiiing WISH I had an EBT card BITCH. you know how fucking easy life would be if I had a goddamn EBT card bitch??? lol...wow. is my first thought to that.

second, I DO have $20 to spend on my daughters birthday... lol

I bought her a $80 gift, that she fucking died over and did the whole birthday shebang. FYI.

I MEANT ON MY LAST POST THAT I WISH I COULD THROW HER A PARTY LIKE SHE WOULD WANT. I don't have money for a party you idiot. I Have money for cake ice cream balloons and gifts. Now don't get me wrong, im not offended by this stupid comment. Im simply correcting. YES, I am putting myself out there and it might be stupid of me too, but here I am explaining because I am and know the consequences of putting my shit out to the world...

I, am not pathetic for "leeching". I don't feel the need to explain this but im gonna do it any way because my pride is gonna get in the way...SO

I have a mental illness and yesssssss depression & anxiety is %100 a sickness. Im sick. I felt the need of a break from life 

{aka} work,  for a bit. And thats what I did. Took a mother fucking break. Ivan my fucking amazing human being of a man, offered to work twice as hard as any other mother fucker in this valley, for me to be able to stay home with my kids and get my brain sorted. Little did I know that staying home wasn't the correct way to sort out my fucking sick. It only plummeted it to the deapths of it all.

oh, SHE SAID PART TIME JOB.....

BIIIIIIIIIITCH, WHERE.

IF ONLY YOUR BITCH ASS KNEW WHAT A FULLTIME JOB WAS.

I %100 DOUBT YOU DO,  so I won't spend too much time with this one hahaha.

But YOU were mistaken, the job that I so proudly did and so admirably loved,

was NO PART TIME GIG. 

YA FUCKIN CUNT.

No one, especially me was trying to be a makeup artist, everyone who knows me knows I hate putting makeup on people. My least favorite thing in the world to do. other than washing a sink full of dishes....and just like my job called for weather it be at home or at Sephora ....I HAD TO SUCK IT UP AND DO IT.  My makeup page was for fun to see if it would go anywhere. But come to find out its not exactly something I find myself doing long term. simply just doing it cause I genuinely love to paint my face because I know im good at it. Who ever wrote this I know you're reading, and I know for a fact I am %100 more knowledgeable about makeup and life in general. I am in no way shape or form hurt by this stupid message, I am in no way shape or form intimidated by you. you're nothing more than a fucking coward sitting behind your phone screen laying in bed. You're a loser. I know who I am, and I know %100 what I am capable of.I know where I see myself in the future, and I know I am %100 going to be there. 

I feel sorry for you. 

I run through your mind always, you watch my IG stories and you watch my blog, you watch whatever move I make that you possibly can...

and for that, I just wanna say that I love you too. 

thats clearly whats going on.  

keep watching bitch. 

I HAVE SO MUCH IN STORE FOR YOUUUUUU.

P.S I KNOW WHO TF YOU ARE LOSERRRRRR.

I feel like

complete fucking shit.
ugly.
horrible.
gross.
summor ugly.
fat.
anxiety ridden.
sad.
scared.
and ugly.

She's just like a  m a z e.

Where all of the walls, all continually  c h a n g e.

menstrual periods are demons

and I go  t h r o u g h  it, when I'm on my period. Like you don't understand. I feel like I'm possessed when I'm on my period. Its like everything is fucked...
I feel like very single emotion except happiness during this time. I feel, sad, mad, angry, upset, I feel like crying the entire time. Its literally the worst time.
Thank the universe I only have to go through this three to four days a month. And honestly I mean, I feel those things even when I'm not on my period but I mean during my period I feel 50X worse. these emotions and feelings are so much more intense.



////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Anyway, yesterday was a pretty okay day.
Today was kind of shit.
Except that my neina came home from up north today. I missed my sweet girl so much.
I can't wait to spend time with her. Her birthday is coming up, and even though I don't have funds to do basically anything for her I can't wait to spend the day with her.

RECURRING

I can't count on all my fingers, toes, LIMBS, hairs on my head... how many times I have been fed up with Ivan. I can't, I've lost track of it all.
OR, how many times I've been fed up with  myself  being "fed up" with Ivan. IM the asshole idiot..not him. IM the one not doing anything about it.

Im gonna stop beating myself up about it.

This is the part where I start blaming my sadness, blaming my heart, and mind.
And its weak state.
Weak, a perfect word for how I feel.

I know, I know, I know it all, I know im not weak, I know things will get better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blahhhhh...
I know.


but when?
when will it? when im 30? no, can't be thats in like 2 years.
I doubt shit will get better in that amount of time.

well not with that attitude.

I keep telling myself I know what it takes, I know what to do. I know what I have to do.
YET, I don't do shit about anything. I can't stand myself. I fucking hate myself. so much its fucking sick.

I have these goal, and dreams, and hopes and wishes that are mildly out of my fucking reach.

I know that its only out of my reach if I let it be.

if that makes any sense at all.

I know, im fighting with myself.

 I know I keep contradicting myself.
I know, I know....I knoooow.

I wish I really DID know though...
like WHEN shit is gonna be better.
I keep saying that knowing damn well all the "better shit" starts with me.
myself. and i. no one else.
no one else is gonna make me happy, and thats not what I was fighting with Ivan about,
I was upset about probably something stupid, that I don't think is stupid but probably is to everyone else..but not really....cause I do have some fucking good reasons to be upset about what im upset about. any way, im trailing off, I was upset, he said something hurtful as always, and didn't apologize for it, and he"ll probably do so tomorrow, or ideal if he actually will this time, even if he does for whatever reason..I don't want to forgive him and I want to stick to what I told him.
That FUCK HIM and im not gonna be this weak little person who just folds to everything you fucking say. Im gonna be this cold hearted BITCH, just. like. you.
I know I probably shouldn't do any of those things because I should be the bigger person but like...when the fuck is this FOOL going to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him...??
god, I shouldn't even be putting my business out there like this. But I know writing it out is possibly gonna make me feel better. idk. we'll see.

I miss my neina and can't wait to hug and smell her. ill cry if I keep talking about it though so ill stop.

im tired.
its almost 1:30 in the morning.
My brother n sisters AC went out for the third time (literally) this summer.
so they're in my living room. which im completely fine with.

im tired, ill go now.



tlm 

so,

for my birthday, my grandma bought me my first actual coffee machine. Not just any coffee machine, this is a Keurig and its pretty nice. Kind of fancy tbh... lol. I was so excited. And happy that she wanted to treat me to something so nice. Not that this is like sooOoOo fAnCy..but like...I don't own a lot of things that are this nice. ya know?... so yea. Im not into hot coffee that much but I mean, coffee is coffee ya know? haha. \\\\\\\

she also took my little angel baby to bay point with her. For a whole week  😫😩 I miss her so much! She's gonna have so much fun with all her cuzzos!  \\\\\\\



















Alllllso, I chopped all my hair off and my bangs. Honestly it was a pretty spur of the moment kind of thing. I just kind of ...did it.  I had been contemplating it forever. And just wanting something new and fresh for myself esteem...This is probably the only good hair day I've ever had with it cut like thus. Literally. And I cut it like a week before July ended...\\\\\\

todays

mental state:

 

listen to me

I can't think of getting old
It only makes me want to die
And I can't think of who I was
'Cause it just makes me want to cry, cry, cry
Can't look back, can't look too far ahead
I got the point, I got the message

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah, I'm caught in the middle

I was dreaming life away
All the while just going blind
Can't see the forest for the trees
Behind the lids of my own eyes
Nostalgia's cool, but it won't help me now
A dream is good (don't wear it out) if you don't wear it out

And I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah, I'm caught in the middle

No, I don’t need no help

I can sabotage me by myself

Don’t need no one else (all the glory days are gone, it’s over now, I’m on my own)

I can sabotage me by myself

 

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle

I try to keep going, but it’s not that simple

I think I’m a little bit caught in the middle

I gotta keep going or they’ll call me a quitter

 

Yeah, I’m caught in the middle

so yesterday...

I had a mental break down and fought back a lot of tears. I was over whelmed and scared. Today, is my birthday. And yesterday at that moment, my grandma called me and told me she'd like to take me out and treat me to lunch...I was honestly not looking forward to it because I was worried I wouldn't act myself or cry at the thought of telling her I was struggling or just mentioning something that was triggering or her catching on and worrying about me being in the mental state im in. But im so glad I got my butt out of bed and actually put myself together and went and spent the afternoon with her because right now, I feel so much, 10X better than I did last night. So much of a different feeling. I feel more positive about life right now and have the "everything is going to be okay" state of mind. which Im so thankful for right now. I hope it stays for a while. It hurts to think I don't have this everyday. I told Ivan the night he found out how sad I was that I have "bad days" which means  I "don't feel good" (which means my anxiety and depression is at an all time high) and ill never forget his response to that and how even more sad he got for me. He said he doesn't have bad days, he has bad moments where he's angry or sad or frustrated...but not whole d a y s... and at that moment I envied him. I thought, how lucky he is. Its a luxury to be positive everyday and I think people really don't understand how much of a privilege it is to have no bad days...

Today I'm 26 years old.
Today,  has been a good day, my grandma treated me and the babies to lunch at my favorite Mexican spot, Tapatio. and offered to buy my car battery because it took a shit. bless her freaking huge heart.
I love her the most. Ivans taking me to a movie today, we haven't been to the movies in a while. We're going to see Christopher Robin and I'm excited.

"Hold on to hope if you got it. Don't let it go for nobody..."

tbh.

I've been thinking lately that quitting my job wasn't actually the best thing I could do for me.
it was probably the most selfish thing I could ever do.
we're struggling now more than ever and I don't know how people do it with shittier jobs.
yea, I was unhappy and I hated leaving my kids but like, really...for this? was it really worth struggling this bad? Not having any money to put gas in my car. Not having any money for my dead car battery. Not having any money to pay our over due bills. Paying rent in the middle of the month.
Its so fucking pathetic. P A T H E T I C . .  . we got an obscene amount of money back from our taxes this year in February. It all went to paying off my debt in tickets and we bought an extra car because sharing one with two full time jobs, babysitter trips, school pick up and all that fun adult stuff got really hard to do with one vehicle. so yes those things were necessary.
im watching this new show, (new to me) its called the client list, and Jenifer love Hewitt stars and she gets left by her husband because he couldn't handle being a man and dealing with debt, bills, kids and a family. SO being the strong woman that she I, she saddles up and finds a job. Its a massage spa, and they give "extras" during the massage to these rich and bored men. The men give $400 tips at a time and im just saying...that if that were an actual real thing...id like to apply for the job.
she makes a living out of this job and loves it because she's able to pay the bills and her house mortgage all by her damn self. its amazing. I've honestly contemplated selling my underwear online to creepy men just so I could make an extra dollar cause I can use it.
now you're wondering probably why the fuck don't you go out and get a job??? well, I left my once in  a lifetime opportunity job that I was so in love with and will never get back, and I feel like if I were to just up and go n get another stupid underpaying job now, it would all have been for fuckkkkinng shit. for nothing. and I don't think I could do that to myself. what I wouldn't mind doing though and this might not make any sense to what I just wrote but I wouldn't mind getting a lil 4-5 hour shift for three days a week at like forever 21. that would be cool and I've honestly considered it. thats like an extra 300 bucks in my pocket for putting in probably no amount of hard work....lol
that probably sounds s stupid.
fuck.

TSSF - clairvoyant / out here with real life things.

I think you'll notice when things become different
The good vibes in our lives won't feel so consistent
And less becomes more cause the weight is too heavy
I swim in the water that's breaking your levee

"This is your life there's no way to run from it
The doubt in your brain or the pain in your stomach
I only have but one complaint at the moment:
Don't paint me black when I used to be golden"

where the hell. what the fuck.

where are all the real blogs.
that talk about real life shit?
do people not do that, does it not exist?
id like to know.

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold,
at least you'll know
You're beautiful
Every little piece, love; don't you know?
You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful

life is fucking hard.

Beats you up constantly. You are fighting life, constantly. BUT, if you don't  f i g h t  b a c k  and  LET  life  beat you up, you'll NEVER get anywhere you want to be.

manifestation.

im honestly, going to start practicing this. Im absolutely 100% positive I am capable of this and I have done this successfully. I am a go getter. When I want something, I go and get it and I know I can and I DO. THAT is one thing I know I'm good at.  I am capable of obtaining happiness. Positivity. Success. Im going to get there. If I can dream it I can do it. And I know if I have this state of mind, I can do   

 w h a t e v e  r   in the world I dream up. 

"Hold on to hope if you got it, and don't let it go for no body. They say that dreaming is free. I wouldn't care  w h a t  it'd cost me."

I've hoped for change
It gets better everyday
I've hoped for change
But still I feel the same




There's something wrong

tomorrow is a new day. is what I keep telling myself.
im gonna feel better tomorrow.

I have a completely new found understanding as to why people do drugs. or drink.
to suppress this kind feeling I have inside.
sleep is like my drug. my phone, the internet, is my drug of choice. and in a lot of ways its just as harmful as ACTUAL drugs. especially my mental health.
sometimes I feel like I want to stay away from the internet. for a bunch of reasons.
but then again, for some really good reasons I wouldn't want to be away. like seeing pictures of my friends and family, and know what they've been up to. it makes me happy. whenever Hayley and the Paramore page posts it makes me so happy. and I guess maybe I should not be following things the don't bring that kind of positivity to my life.

I still can't believe it.

That I actually got to see my favorite band ever, play live. it was one of the best times of my life and just wish I could re live it over again because it was over so fast. faster than I expected. I didn't want it to end. I cried when I didn't think I would. and cried absolutely when I knew I would. like when I got to hear my favorite song ever live! when aint it fun I lost it, I danced as much as I could despite the little space we all had! It was amazing to say the least. *via instagram* Haven’t had this good of a time in a LONG time. Sang, danced, cried and smiled ALOT ! This was a dream come true for me. Ain’t it fun has been my favorite song since I first heard it and I’ve Imagined dancing to it live whenever I played it. I got to do that last night and it was everything I dreamt it would be ❤️ thank you @paramore for making my day happier, and making this album, one we can all boogie to 💘

this might be stupid to some.

but, im honestly truly...truly intrigued with the whole making money off of social media thing.
Im great at putting my face on...and working at Sephora has taught me
1. With how much I DO NOT enjoy putting make up on others.
2. How much I love to experiment with my make up.
3. How much I enjoy putting my face on and having that time for me.
4. How much I truly enjoy teaching others about make up and how to use it.
I know I could do it. I can feel it in my bones. the only thing is having the courage and the actual discipline to go through with it and keep it up. because I know its definitely no walk  in the park.
I definitely want to give it a shot...and see if I'm really cut out for it.

I've been.

its so hard to try and find motivation. motivation to do literally anything. to get up in the morning. to eat, to brush my damn teeth...to do anything but sit or lay on the couch and scroll through n app that does nothing but contribute to my decreasing mental health. its sad. I know, so don't think I don't. its like im a willing slave to this shit. its an actual drug. I don't know how to stop. honestly if there was rehab for social media id be the first one to sign up cause im so fed up feeling like this.

I get these shiny moments of feeling energized and motivated and happy.
and when I say shiny moments, I mean a whole (literal) 2 seconds. a lil fleeting moment. a lil glimpse. of "oh my god I wanna do my makeup." "im gonna be productive" "im fly as hell what am I doing sitting on this couch"

Im completely aware of what takes to be productive. I know it starts with me. I know it starts with me getting my ass up and willingly kicking the days ass.
usually these days have been brutally BEATING my ass.
 I don't know how to explain this feeling that I've been feeling. I quit my job to spend more time with my kids. and that fills my heart with so much joy that I get to spend my days with them. But I know that im so unhappy...but I can't explain for my life as to WHY that is. i wish I knew .

today.

today was intense and scary.
intense because I wanted to cry and be in bed all day and forget abut everything.
scary because I wanted to forget everything. I was so irritable and angry and upset all day. another one of those "lump in my throat" kind of days.
I felt like I had to take deep breaths ALL DAY. just to make me feel better.
it was horrible. I just want it to be tomorrow so I can start over and just hopefully have a better day.

come thru Selina Kyle

October 2016 ♥
went to a halloween party where I was basically the only one "dressed" up... fml.
also, if it weren't for my computer correcting me...I would've spelled the word halloween....like "holloween" FML.

tlm♥

time.

one super cool about this whole stay at home thing...is being able to heal..a little different. instead of trying to heal while working full time and being stressed is not necessarily healing, in my opinion...

I take everyday as it comes. right out of the cage I tried doing this whole posting on my makeup page everyday and have this schedule and painting my face everyday wasn't very different from what I was walking away from in the first place. Painting my face, trying to set up a recording space, taking a million photos and trying to edit them and perfect them. I had a million things to catch up on in my home. like my laundry was a mountain high, I had just shit/stuff on the top of my dresser that needed to be put away for a decade. I needed to make sure all things in my personal life were straight, clean and organized before I can go and start to feel better. I can't feel better if everything is shit. (even though everything is shit) I needed to make sure that things I do have complete control over ( like my fucking laundry) was taken care of. I don't know if thats logical or thats like the way everyone thinks, but its definately the way it needs to be for me.  so I've also have been taking all those things day by day, one at a time. Relaxing a lot in between. because I felt like I needed a big break. a break for my brain..

if I took all those things on at once I think id go even crazier. even though all those things aren't necessarily "hard" to do or really big tasks, I still felt the need to completely relax for a couple weeks. take a vacation. and no not a physical one, because obvi...but I mean a mental vacation. do things that don't require a lot of brain work lol idk if that sounds stupid...

anyway.. the main thought that brought on this word vomit is the fact that everyday is a second chance.  everyday I wake up I am able to start over. tomorrow is another day. and I know that pertains to everybody..even with a full time job, but...I felt like I wasn't able to have a day to myself to get things done on the days I had to work. and the days I wasnt working were dedicated to spending time with my precious littles. yes I could've don't the laundry and scrubbed the floors on my days off. I was too busy worrying about spending a fun day with my kids because its what they wanted the most nd I would do anything to put smiles on their faces.
ANYWAY. long story short...everyday is a new chance. everyday is a gift.
tlm♥

its been nice.

actually written and filmed on May 23rd, 2018
SiJCP was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I do not have one negative thing to say about working for this wonderful company. It was some of the best times of my life...things I will forever remember and be the most thankful for.
But, things like this aren't forever. Change is an absolute constant. I needed time to regroup myself...as a mom. As a human being. I could feel myself becoming more and more unhappy. Mentally I was breaking. Mentally I was losing myself. Saying that out loud is scary. Thinking it was so scary. I couldn't do it to myself any longer. My babies were unhappy also...I could feel it. not seeing their mommy or daddy for sometimes 10 hours for 5 days a week....and never fully bing a complete day with either was taking a toll on them and myself. I couldn't bear it any longer than I did. I don't regret a thing. It was the best decision I could make for me and my lil family.
Heres to the future. Heres to myself. Heres to my babies. Im ready to try and live my best life.

I took my glasses off.

What l i t t l e light that's left, we need to keep it sacred. I know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape you. But we could let the light I l l u m i n a t e these hopeless places.

self doubt

is a murderer of a lot of different things. Its funny...I start these things off with something that I'm feeling in the moment. This title..is the first thing that popped into my head when I sat down to type something out because I felt the need to come and vent. I'm V bad at keeping any kind of friendship. Im almost just as bad at keeping any kind of relationship in general. I can barely keep up with my family, sisters brothers...grandparents..anyone to be honest. its s serious. I've always been this way. I do not understand it. I wish someone could tell ME for gods sake. I have no idea what that has to do with self doubt...just go with me here..I'm just spewing out whatever is coming to my mind right now. This is normal...for my brain, my mind. All over the place..BUT in real life you could probably never tell that my mind is racing in a thousand different directions unless Its a couple hours after my quad shot. then maybe you might be able to tell a little bit. Bt I'm actually a pro at hiding the way I really feel most of the time. Thats truth. Im really good at looking like I'm okay. (most of the time) sometimes my mom will notice..ACTUALLY my mom notices a lot of the times. But I'm assuming its just a mothers instinct. moms know everything. I know because I myself am a mother of two. whom I know so well. like the back of my damn hand. BETTER actually. I never really got that, or really understood that until I had my own kids. or lived with someone for almost 8 years. I Guess this all ties back to just feeling sad. a lot.. or just not content. Is anyone really though? thats a good question.
Are you happy? is anyone?...really? I feel like its a good thing (I started that off with "I FEEL" instead of "I KNOW"..because I really don't know if its a good thing or not..) that I am recognizing that I'm sad a lot, before it gets a lil too late. Id never let myself get to that "too late" sad stage. I know I have so many things to live for. BUT, that doesn't mean I am not super sad some days. like the last time I posted here. that was a day that just, completely took over everything. I had to force myself to get dressed. to get off the bed, to put makeup on...TO BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH. if it wasn't my baby brothers birthday I honestly don't think I would've been any kind of productive.
Maybe if I start eating healthy? I mean...its a start right. maybe its my eating habits. does that really work? wheres the doctor? for all my questions.
My kids are rays of fucking sunshine in my little world. They are the light of my life. LITERALLY. They really do brighten up my days. but its when they're not looking that I feel myself sinking. And when they're little faces glance at me, its like they catch me. Pull me up. And then when they turn back to whatever it is they were doing...I'm falling again.
If you are a friend, family member, whoever, etc...Don't be alarmed...I promise I'm okay. Im sure if someone reads this is going to call me, text me, message me with "are you okay?" "I'm here if you need someone to talk to" with I absolutely will appreciate. I don't know why I feel like such a damn bitch for saying that just now but its because Im an absolute fucking crazy person when I say I don't like talking to people. GODDDDD I wish you, whoever you are knew what the hell I meant. and even if you think you might know what I mean, I'm absolutely one hundred and fifty million percent sure you do not. I literally don't like talking to people. Anyone. I Barely tolerate my family. when I say BARELY its serious. My sisters, brothers, cousins grandparents etc...I can. ANYONE ELSE, I cannot  find myself to WANT TO REPLY OR EVEN CONVERSATE. Its so sad honestly. I don't now what the fuck is wrong with me. don't get me wrong though...at work I was so good at communication. Asked so many questions, talked and conversated when I needed to. With clients and customers...my co workers. But I can honestly tell you that if I never had to talk to them I wouldn't be upset about it. THAT SOUNDS SOOOOO FUCKING MESSED UP. because it fucking is my dude. it really is. I don't know what is wrong with me..
I loved those girls. Loved? I still do. some of the sweetest coolest girls Ive ever known. thats the truth. Each of them so unique is so many different ways. gah...
Anyway...its not that they were ugly, rude, or mean to me. never. I just am super not into conversations. Im not good at it. jeez.
look at all this word vomit I've thrown. SPEWED OUT.
I was arguing, or "fighting" with Ivan..before this word vomit. Thats why im here. I knew I probably just needed to write it out. Everything I just wrote has literally nothing to do with what we were arguing about.
sounds like he's watching a movie in there but I'm like 70% sure he's asleep. Im tired.. and want to go cuddle him. I think hear the sink running. he might be awake ..yea it was the sink. he's awake.
tlm♥

@iamhertribe on the gram 

my morning.

with a lil madness.

26 by Paramore

Man, you really know how to get someone down
E v e r y t h i n g was fine until you came around
I've been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn't I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don't let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn't care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window
And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go

I'm hoping someday maybe I'll just float away
And I'll forget every cynical thing you say
When you gonna hear me out
Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don't let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn't care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
It's keeping all your hopes alive
When all the rest of you has died
So let it break your heart

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don't let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
I wouldn't care what it cost me

not sure.

not really sure whats going on with me and my emotions right about now. im all over the place. I feel like I could cry. right now. tears could just pour out of my eyes. today was just, not a good day. I was sad. all day long. did not feel good. all day. I felt sad. all. day. There hasn't been this sad of a dy for a really long time. I've had a lump in my throat since I've woken up. idk if its all the internet my brain has had all day...but that honestly could be it. I was with family a lot of the day...I just.  couldn't pull myself out of this funk. I did my makeup...did it light and not heavy...thinking it would make me fell at least a lil better.. but really...It didn't. Ivans still at work..and hopefully will be home soon. im literally tearing up at just the thought of him coming home. I was thinking when he got home I could just let go of all these tears...but I also feel like thats so selfish to do because I don't want him to not know what to do. I don't want hm to worry. like...not know what to do because it honestly would be for almost nothing. I've just had a bad day...for nothing specific. I just don't feel good. im starting to think I. maybe am depressed. I hate with a passion to say that even. because I know a lot of people suffer from that far worse than i. its not fair to them.  im writing hoping this all goes away tonight and I wake up a little bit more chipper. or maybe I should just have a good cry. my head hurts. sometimes I wish I did drugs. like popped a pill or two. smoked a blunt...or something. to take all this away.
I had to top thinking for a second because I was about to cry and make the biggest mess of this face. that has about five tons of mascara on. All I want to do is go to Disney..I know that is the only way ill be free of this feeling. the only way I can have that is if im making money.  which that in fact I am not. I want to work hard so I can...but with the bullshit that I pulled today...its v hard. its literally slowing me down. like it ha this hold on me. pulling me. eating at my mind. maybe this is just temporary...just for now. maybe tomorrow ill fell better. im hoping so.
im going to make myself a cup of tea...take this makeup off.


and then maybe ill have that cry.

tlm♥