tbh.

I've been thinking lately that quitting my job wasn't actually the best thing I could do for me.
it was probably the most selfish thing I could ever do.
we're struggling now more than ever and I don't know how people do it with shittier jobs.
yea, I was unhappy and I hated leaving my kids but like, really...for this? was it really worth struggling this bad? Not having any money to put gas in my car. Not having any money for my dead car battery. Not having any money to pay our over due bills. Paying rent in the middle of the month.
Its so fucking pathetic. P A T H E T I C . .  . we got an obscene amount of money back from our taxes this year in February. It all went to paying off my debt in tickets and we bought an extra car because sharing one with two full time jobs, babysitter trips, school pick up and all that fun adult stuff got really hard to do with one vehicle. so yes those things were necessary.
im watching this new show, (new to me) its called the client list, and Jenifer love Hewitt stars and she gets left by her husband because he couldn't handle being a man and dealing with debt, bills, kids and a family. SO being the strong woman that she I, she saddles up and finds a job. Its a massage spa, and they give "extras" during the massage to these rich and bored men. The men give $400 tips at a time and im just saying...that if that were an actual real thing...id like to apply for the job.
she makes a living out of this job and loves it because she's able to pay the bills and her house mortgage all by her damn self. its amazing. I've honestly contemplated selling my underwear online to creepy men just so I could make an extra dollar cause I can use it.
now you're wondering probably why the fuck don't you go out and get a job??? well, I left my once in  a lifetime opportunity job that I was so in love with and will never get back, and I feel like if I were to just up and go n get another stupid underpaying job now, it would all have been for fuckkkkinng shit. for nothing. and I don't think I could do that to myself. what I wouldn't mind doing though and this might not make any sense to what I just wrote but I wouldn't mind getting a lil 4-5 hour shift for three days a week at like forever 21. that would be cool and I've honestly considered it. thats like an extra 300 bucks in my pocket for putting in probably no amount of hard work....lol
that probably sounds s stupid.
fuck.