not sure.

not really sure whats going on with me and my emotions right about now. im all over the place. I feel like I could cry. right now. tears could just pour out of my eyes. today was just, not a good day. I was sad. all day long. did not feel good. all day. I felt sad. all. day. There hasn't been this sad of a dy for a really long time. I've had a lump in my throat since I've woken up. idk if its all the internet my brain has had all day...but that honestly could be it. I was with family a lot of the day...I just.  couldn't pull myself out of this funk. I did my makeup...did it light and not heavy...thinking it would make me fell at least a lil better.. but really...It didn't. Ivans still at work..and hopefully will be home soon. im literally tearing up at just the thought of him coming home. I was thinking when he got home I could just let go of all these tears...but I also feel like thats so selfish to do because I don't want him to not know what to do. I don't want hm to worry. like...not know what to do because it honestly would be for almost nothing. I've just had a bad day...for nothing specific. I just don't feel good. im starting to think I. maybe am depressed. I hate with a passion to say that even. because I know a lot of people suffer from that far worse than i. its not fair to them.  im writing hoping this all goes away tonight and I wake up a little bit more chipper. or maybe I should just have a good cry. my head hurts. sometimes I wish I did drugs. like popped a pill or two. smoked a blunt...or something. to take all this away.
I had to top thinking for a second because I was about to cry and make the biggest mess of this face. that has about five tons of mascara on. All I want to do is go to Disney..I know that is the only way ill be free of this feeling. the only way I can have that is if im making money.  which that in fact I am not. I want to work hard so I can...but with the bullshit that I pulled today...its v hard. its literally slowing me down. like it ha this hold on me. pulling me. eating at my mind. maybe this is just temporary...just for now. maybe tomorrow ill fell better. im hoping so.
im going to make myself a cup of tea...take this makeup off.


and then maybe ill have that cry.

tlm♥