RECURRING

I can't count on all my fingers, toes, LIMBS, hairs on my head... how many times I have been fed up with Ivan. I can't, I've lost track of it all.
OR, how many times I've been fed up with  myself  being "fed up" with Ivan. IM the asshole idiot..not him. IM the one not doing anything about it.

Im gonna stop beating myself up about it.

This is the part where I start blaming my sadness, blaming my heart, and mind.
And its weak state.
Weak, a perfect word for how I feel.

I know, I know, I know it all, I know im not weak, I know things will get better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blahhhhh...
I know.


but when?
when will it? when im 30? no, can't be thats in like 2 years.
I doubt shit will get better in that amount of time.

well not with that attitude.

I keep telling myself I know what it takes, I know what to do. I know what I have to do.
YET, I don't do shit about anything. I can't stand myself. I fucking hate myself. so much its fucking sick.

I have these goal, and dreams, and hopes and wishes that are mildly out of my fucking reach.

I know that its only out of my reach if I let it be.

if that makes any sense at all.

I know, im fighting with myself.

 I know I keep contradicting myself.
I know, I know....I knoooow.

I wish I really DID know though...
like WHEN shit is gonna be better.
I keep saying that knowing damn well all the "better shit" starts with me.
myself. and i. no one else.
no one else is gonna make me happy, and thats not what I was fighting with Ivan about,
I was upset about probably something stupid, that I don't think is stupid but probably is to everyone else..but not really....cause I do have some fucking good reasons to be upset about what im upset about. any way, im trailing off, I was upset, he said something hurtful as always, and didn't apologize for it, and he"ll probably do so tomorrow, or ideal if he actually will this time, even if he does for whatever reason..I don't want to forgive him and I want to stick to what I told him.
That FUCK HIM and im not gonna be this weak little person who just folds to everything you fucking say. Im gonna be this cold hearted BITCH, just. like. you.
I know I probably shouldn't do any of those things because I should be the bigger person but like...when the fuck is this FOOL going to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him...??
god, I shouldn't even be putting my business out there like this. But I know writing it out is possibly gonna make me feel better. idk. we'll see.

I miss my neina and can't wait to hug and smell her. ill cry if I keep talking about it though so ill stop.

im tired.
its almost 1:30 in the morning.
My brother n sisters AC went out for the third time (literally) this summer.
so they're in my living room. which im completely fine with.

im tired, ill go now.



tlm