so yesterday...

I had a mental break down and fought back a lot of tears. I was over whelmed and scared. Today, is my birthday. And yesterday at that moment, my grandma called me and told me she'd like to take me out and treat me to lunch...I was honestly not looking forward to it because I was worried I wouldn't act myself or cry at the thought of telling her I was struggling or just mentioning something that was triggering or her catching on and worrying about me being in the mental state im in. But im so glad I got my butt out of bed and actually put myself together and went and spent the afternoon with her because right now, I feel so much, 10X better than I did last night. So much of a different feeling. I feel more positive about life right now and have the "everything is going to be okay" state of mind. which Im so thankful for right now. I hope it stays for a while. It hurts to think I don't have this everyday. I told Ivan the night he found out how sad I was that I have "bad days" which means  I "don't feel good" (which means my anxiety and depression is at an all time high) and ill never forget his response to that and how even more sad he got for me. He said he doesn't have bad days, he has bad moments where he's angry or sad or frustrated...but not whole d a y s... and at that moment I envied him. I thought, how lucky he is. Its a luxury to be positive everyday and I think people really don't understand how much of a privilege it is to have no bad days...

Today I'm 26 years old.
Today,  has been a good day, my grandma treated me and the babies to lunch at my favorite Mexican spot, Tapatio. and offered to buy my car battery because it took a shit. bless her freaking huge heart.
I love her the most. Ivans taking me to a movie today, we haven't been to the movies in a while. We're going to see Christopher Robin and I'm excited.

"Hold on to hope if you got it. Don't let it go for nobody..."