Saturday, August 18, 2018

I feel like

complete fucking shit.
ugly.
horrible.
gross.
summor ugly.
fat.
anxiety ridden.
sad.
scared.
and ugly.

She's just like a  m a z e.

Where all of the walls, all continually  c h a n g e.



menstrual periods are demons

and I go  t h r o u g h  it, when I'm on my period. Like you don't understand. I feel like I'm possessed when I'm on my period. Its like everything is fucked...
I feel like very single emotion except happiness during this time. I feel, sad, mad, angry, upset, I feel like crying the entire time. Its literally the worst time.
Thank the universe I only have to go through this three to four days a month. And honestly I mean, I feel those things even when I'm not on my period but I mean during my period I feel 50X worse. these emotions and feelings are so much more intense.



////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



Anyway, yesterday was a pretty okay day.
Today was kind of shit.
Except that my neina came home from up north today. I missed my sweet girl so much.
I can't wait to spend time with her. Her birthday is coming up, and even though I don't have funds to do basically anything for her I can't wait to spend the day with her.



Wednesday, August 15, 2018

RECURRING

I can't count on all my fingers, toes, LIMBS, hairs on my head... how many times I have been fed up with Ivan. I can't, I've lost track of it all.
OR, how many times I've been fed up with  myself  being "fed up" with Ivan. IM the asshole idiot..not him. IM the one not doing anything about it.

Im gonna stop beating myself up about it.

This is the part where I start blaming my sadness, blaming my heart, and mind.
And its weak state.
Weak, a perfect word for how I feel.

I know, I know, I know it all, I know im not weak, I know things will get better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blahhhhh...
I know.


but when?
when will it? when im 30? no, can't be thats in like 2 years.
I doubt shit will get better in that amount of time.

well not with that attitude.

I keep telling myself I know what it takes, I know what to do. I know what I have to do.
YET, I don't do shit about anything. I can't stand myself. I fucking hate myself. so much its fucking sick.

I have these goal, and dreams, and hopes and wishes that are mildly out of my fucking reach.

I know that its only out of my reach if I let it be.

if that makes any sense at all.

I know, im fighting with myself.

 I know I keep contradicting myself.
I know, I know....I knoooow.

I wish I really DID know though...
like WHEN shit is gonna be better.
I keep saying that knowing damn well all the "better shit" starts with me.
myself. and i. no one else.
no one else is gonna make me happy, and thats not what I was fighting with Ivan about,
I was upset about probably something stupid, that I don't think is stupid but probably is to everyone else..but not really....cause I do have some fucking good reasons to be upset about what im upset about. any way, im trailing off, I was upset, he said something hurtful as always, and didn't apologize for it, and he"ll probably do so tomorrow, or ideal if he actually will this time, even if he does for whatever reason..I don't want to forgive him and I want to stick to what I told him.
That FUCK HIM and im not gonna be this weak little person who just folds to everything you fucking say. Im gonna be this cold hearted BITCH, just. like. you.
I know I probably shouldn't do any of those things because I should be the bigger person but like...when the fuck is this FOOL going to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him...??
god, I shouldn't even be putting my business out there like this. But I know writing it out is possibly gonna make me feel better. idk. we'll see.

I miss my neina and can't wait to hug and smell her. ill cry if I keep talking about it though so ill stop.

im tired.
its almost 1:30 in the morning.
My brother n sisters AC went out for the third time (literally) this summer.
so they're in my living room. which im completely fine with.

im tired, ill go now.



tlm 

Saturday, August 11, 2018

so,


for my birthday, my grandma bought me my first actual coffee machine. Not just any coffee machine, this is a Keurig and its pretty nice. Kind of fancy tbh... lol. I was so excited. And happy that she wanted to treat me to something so nice. Not that this is like sooOoOo fAnCy..but like...I don't own a lot of things that are this nice. ya know?... so yea. Im not into hot coffee that much but I mean, coffee is coffee ya know? haha. \\\\\\\







she also took my little angel baby to bay point with her. For a whole week  ðŸ˜«ðŸ˜© I miss her so much! She's gonna have so much fun with all her cuzzos!  \\\\\\\



















Alllllso, I chopped all my hair off and my bangs. Honestly it was a pretty spur of the moment kind of thing. I just kind of ...did it.  I had been contemplating it forever. And just wanting something new and fresh for myself esteem...This is probably the only good hair day I've ever had with it cut like thus. Literally. And I cut it like a week before July ended...\\\\\\


Thursday, August 9, 2018

todays

mental state:
 

listen to me






I can't think of getting old
It only makes me want to die
And I can't think of who I was
'Cause it just makes me want to cry, cry, cry
Can't look back, can't look too far ahead
I got the point, I got the message
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah, I'm caught in the middle
I was dreaming life away
All the while just going blind
Can't see the forest for the trees
Behind the lids of my own eyes
Nostalgia's cool, but it won't help me now
A dream is good (don't wear it out) if you don't wear it out
And I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah, I'm caught in the middle


No, I don’t need no help
I can sabotage me by myself
Don’t need no one else (all the glory days are gone, it’s over now, I’m on my own)
I can sabotage me by myself
 
I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going, but it’s not that simple
I think I’m a little bit caught in the middle
I gotta keep going or they’ll call me a quitter
 
Yeah, I’m caught in the middle

Monday, August 6, 2018

so yesterday...

I had a mental break down and fought back a lot of tears. I was over whelmed and scared. Today, is my birthday. And yesterday at that moment, my grandma called me and told me she'd like to take me out and treat me to lunch...I was honestly not looking forward to it because I was worried I wouldn't act myself or cry at the thought of telling her I was struggling or just mentioning something that was triggering or her catching on and worrying about me being in the mental state im in. But im so glad I got my butt out of bed and actually put myself together and went and spent the afternoon with her because right now, I feel so much, 10X better than I did last night. So much of a different feeling. I feel more positive about life right now and have the "everything is going to be okay" state of mind. which Im so thankful for right now. I hope it stays for a while. It hurts to think I don't have this everyday. I told Ivan the night he found out how sad I was that I have "bad days" which means  I "don't feel good" (which means my anxiety and depression is at an all time high) and ill never forget his response to that and how even more sad he got for me. He said he doesn't have bad days, he has bad moments where he's angry or sad or frustrated...but not whole d a y s... and at that moment I envied him. I thought, how lucky he is. Its a luxury to be positive everyday and I think people really don't understand how much of a privilege it is to have no bad days...

Today I'm 26 years old.
Today,  has been a good day, my grandma treated me and the babies to lunch at my favorite Mexican spot, Tapatio. and offered to buy my car battery because it took a shit. bless her freaking huge heart.
I love her the most. Ivans taking me to a movie today, we haven't been to the movies in a while. We're going to see Christopher Robin and I'm excited.


"Hold on to hope if you got it. Don't let it go for nobody..."







Sunday, August 5, 2018

tbh.

I've been thinking lately that quitting my job wasn't actually the best thing I could do for me.
it was probably the most selfish thing I could ever do.
we're struggling now more than ever and I don't know how people do it with shittier jobs.
yea, I was unhappy and I hated leaving my kids but like, really...for this? was it really worth struggling this bad? Not having any money to put gas in my car. Not having any money for my dead car battery. Not having any money to pay our over due bills. Paying rent in the middle of the month.
Its so fucking pathetic. P A T H E T I C . .  . we got an obscene amount of money back from our taxes this year in February. It all went to paying off my debt in tickets and we bought an extra car because sharing one with two full time jobs, babysitter trips, school pick up and all that fun adult stuff got really hard to do with one vehicle. so yes those things were necessary.
im watching this new show, (new to me) its called the client list, and Jenifer love Hewitt stars and she gets left by her husband because he couldn't handle being a man and dealing with debt, bills, kids and a family. SO being the strong woman that she I, she saddles up and finds a job. Its a massage spa, and they give "extras" during the massage to these rich and bored men. The men give $400 tips at a time and im just saying...that if that were an actual real thing...id like to apply for the job.
she makes a living out of this job and loves it because she's able to pay the bills and her house mortgage all by her damn self. its amazing. I've honestly contemplated selling my underwear online to creepy men just so I could make an extra dollar cause I can use it.
now you're wondering probably why the fuck don't you go out and get a job??? well, I left my once in  a lifetime opportunity job that I was so in love with and will never get back, and I feel like if I were to just up and go n get another stupid underpaying job now, it would all have been for fuckkkkinng shit. for nothing. and I don't think I could do that to myself. what I wouldn't mind doing though and this might not make any sense to what I just wrote but I wouldn't mind getting a lil 4-5 hour shift for three days a week at like forever 21. that would be cool and I've honestly considered it. thats like an extra 300 bucks in my pocket for putting in probably no amount of hard work....lol
that probably sounds s stupid.
fuck.