October of 2012

 

 

I find it so insane how broken I was from the end February 2012 till the end of August the same year. I was literally the mere definition of b r o k e n. my life was just this big blur and a mixture of dark and light. Madness and a complete somber mess. I've never been that sad or depressed in my life. I feel embarrassed, especially because it was over a male, human being. Who honestly, wasn't worth being that sad over. Not worth me crying myself to sleep for six months. Not worth my daughters sanity and happiness at the most crucial learning times of her life. No. It's crazy how the day he broke up with me, is the day I stopped sleeping. I'd stay up until 7:00 in the morning then sleep for 3 hours and get up for work. I was a walking zombie. I hated life. I hated myself. My daughter made me smile...but being in that state of depression...not even her heart, mind, or happiness mattered. Mine was gone. And that's all I could ever think of. How I could get it back, and how it even disappeared. I went crazy. Mad. Insane. I was stuck in a dark, deep, somber, black hole in the ground. I thought I actually knew what that meant when Jerry used to hit me. No. That sadness and hurt was different. I was so young. Even though I still am now, ivan is the father of my daughter. Blood of my blood. I couldn't just forget him or get over him. He was everything to me and everything I've ever wanted. I couldn't just get him out of my mind. He was there 24-7. Always. Wether physically there or not. He was there. Wherever Aleina was, he was. His clothes, shoes, cologne, hats, bracelets. Anything...everything reminded me of him. I had to move my room around, change the bed sheets, put up posters. Change my hair. Just to T R Y and get rid of him. Nothing worked. The whole room was tainted. It will be forever. I guess I just didn't have a strong enough mentality, or a backbone at all. I wish I could be more like Esther. Stronger mind, heart and soul. She has a backbone. Ivan was my backbone. Now I have to grow one for myself. Incase it ever happens again. Incase one day I get tired of HIM. And decide to leave him for no reason. Which will never happen. Ill have a reason. He's been pushing it. And I'm letting it go, everyday. And pretty soon, I can feel it in my bones...that I won't put up with it any longer.