Craziness

At its finest.

Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep.

It's a mad house behind the breast under the hair.

It's insane how you can claim to love someone one minute and then do something that shows that you don't give one fuck about them. Crazy huh? It's one little word that comes out, one sentence. A couple of words. And they can just crush the inside of your soul and break your entire heart. I don't understand why I'm STILL here after all that he's put me through. After six months of darkness. I'm still here. I feel like a grain of sand. With him I'm just a tiny little thing. I am nothing to him. Worthless. His words say something and his actions say something completely different. It's like he doesn't want me to believe him at all. Is he even telling the truth?? Do I believe him? Do I leave him? I can't? Where would I live? What will I do? NONE OF THOSE FUCKING QUESTIONS SHOULD MATTER. What matters is MY DAUGHTER. MEEEEE!!! Not that PIECE OF SHIT. WASTE OF OXYGEN. All he is a germ. It's disgusting. A scumbag, WORTHLESS piece of shiiiiit. I swear I don't know what I'm doing here. What are you doing here? Where are you gonna go? Why don't you go? How are you still there? Why are you still HEREE? Just do something about your future. And out your DAUGHTERS FUTURE. and get through it. Just play it out. Just go with it. And when you're the successful independent one paying for all his junk, then....is the time to leave. When your on your own two feet. Just do it Ashley. You can do it. I BELIEVE IN YOU, if nobody else will.
I love you,
Xoxoxo
Ashley.

October of 2012

 

 

I find it so insane how broken I was from the end February 2012 till the end of August the same year. I was literally the mere definition of b r o k e n. my life was just this big blur and a mixture of dark and light. Madness and a complete somber mess. I've never been that sad or depressed in my life. I feel embarrassed, especially because it was over a male, human being. Who honestly, wasn't worth being that sad over. Not worth me crying myself to sleep for six months. Not worth my daughters sanity and happiness at the most crucial learning times of her life. No. It's crazy how the day he broke up with me, is the day I stopped sleeping. I'd stay up until 7:00 in the morning then sleep for 3 hours and get up for work. I was a walking zombie. I hated life. I hated myself. My daughter made me smile...but being in that state of depression...not even her heart, mind, or happiness mattered. Mine was gone. And that's all I could ever think of. How I could get it back, and how it even disappeared. I went crazy. Mad. Insane. I was stuck in a dark, deep, somber, black hole in the ground. I thought I actually knew what that meant when Jerry used to hit me. No. That sadness and hurt was different. I was so young. Even though I still am now, ivan is the father of my daughter. Blood of my blood. I couldn't just forget him or get over him. He was everything to me and everything I've ever wanted. I couldn't just get him out of my mind. He was there 24-7. Always. Wether physically there or not. He was there. Wherever Aleina was, he was. His clothes, shoes, cologne, hats, bracelets. Anything...everything reminded me of him. I had to move my room around, change the bed sheets, put up posters. Change my hair. Just to T R Y and get rid of him. Nothing worked. The whole room was tainted. It will be forever. I guess I just didn't have a strong enough mentality, or a backbone at all. I wish I could be more like Esther. Stronger mind, heart and soul. She has a backbone. Ivan was my backbone. Now I have to grow one for myself. Incase it ever happens again. Incase one day I get tired of HIM. And decide to leave him for no reason. Which will never happen. Ill have a reason. He's been pushing it. And I'm letting it go, everyday. And pretty soon, I can feel it in my bones...that I won't put up with it any longer.

its crrrraaazy,

thennnn* 

 

 

 

 

 

nowwww*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

whenn i waaaas cute.

meee n mahh nana♡ 

2010*

Me, britt, cousin Makayla, sister Leiah ♡ 

2010*

thanksgiving 2010

faaaaaaam*

so,

things have been fantastical. Maybe not though. because more sucky stuff have been going on than happy stuff. I mean, i should be grateful for being alive and healthy, and having a gorgeous healthy daughter...but idk. there is a lot of shit going on. In March we all have to leave this house because my grandmother is leaving to San Francisco  and my brother and sisters don't really have anywhere to go. it makes me sad to think they really have no one else to rely on but me...they deserve the world, for having to go through all they have. They deserve the entire world and more. They're the most beautiful bunch of kids, they're my babies. And i will be here as much as i can be for them, since no one else is, really. I love them as if they were my own. wich in a matter of fact...they honestly are. Anyway, ive been really wanting to get a new job....easier said than done, but i just really need to get my ass more money. I'm so tired of not having enough money for anything. I want to have nice things for my daughter. My own place,a car for Ivan AND myself. Nice clothes and shoes for both of my lovleys and myself. Ugh, its just so hard. Well honestly, it probably isn't THAT hard, i just have to WORK, hard. Yuh know. and that should be no problem if i keep my daugter in mind. I just want it all to happen fast and i know that wont happen. ughhhhhhhhhlksdfiureyfvhjejfdkdjhoi. Boo.
*sad face

well it will all come as soon as i get my butt working. Ivan as well.God will bless us soon.
hopefully.

*duh

I've got a lot to teach, but even more to learn.