boredom.

1. What was the highlight of your week?
Probably a sweet text i got from ivan.

2. Whose car were you in last?
My aunties, she let me take it to my dr appointment today.

 3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Tomorrow ^-^ <3 p="">
 4. What color shirt are you wearing?
my white hyest shirt that i made pink on accident.

 5. How long is your hair?
its like, at my boob length, im pretty happy with how long its gotten:)

 6. Are you good looking?
lol depends on who you ask.

 7. Last movie you watched?
30 secs of pocohantis

 8. Who were you with?
neina

 9. Last thing you ate?
raisin bran.

 10. Last thing you drank?
wataaa

 11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
from february 2012 - september 2012

 12. Who came over last?
well, im at my nanas house right now and i guess my sister was the last one to come over.

 13. Are you happy right now?
yea, id say im pretty happy.

 14. What did you say last?
chisme

 15. Where is your phone?
infront of me

 16. What color are your eyes?
ugky dark brown

 17. Are you left-handed?
no but my lovely is<333 p="">
 18. Spell your name without vowels:
shly

19. Do you have any pets?
not right now

 20. Favorite Vacation?
maui when i was 14.

 21. What do you dislike currently?
being pregnant


 22. What are you listening to?
my 11 year old cousin playing his xbox

 23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
my little boy in my arms,

 24. What is your favorite scent?
ivan

 25. Who makes you happiest?
ivan aleina and jeims,

 26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
idk rolly on the computer


 27. When is your birthday?
august 6th, 1992

 28. Who has the same phone as you?
ivan :p

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
idk like three months ago.


 30. Do you read your horoscope?
used to.

31. Where was the last place you bought something?
wal mart.

 32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
its wet.


 33. Do you bite your nails?
noooo

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
no:[

 35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
-_____-


 36. Myspace or facebook?
myyyyyspaaaace (circa 2007)

 37. How fast have you driven a car?
like 80 on the freeway

 38. Have you ever smoked?
yah.

 39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
history.


 40. Do you have Verizon?
NOPE.

 41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
obviously the asshole type.

 42. Do you have any hidden talents?
nooo.

 43. Favorite Song?
its alwaays different, but if i HAD to choose it'd be sunshine by atmosphere.


 44. Do you like to sing at all?
yah.

 45. Dream Job?
idk man, something to do with like....art prolly.


 46. Where does most of your family live?
indio california

 47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
technically i have 7 siblings.

 48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
no.

 49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
am i really gonna get up right now.

 50. Do you drink?
when im not pregnant:p


 51. Know any other languages?
no.

 52. Ever write a coded message?
yah.

 53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
nooo

 54. Do you have any children?
2, by the end of this coming week ^-^

 55. Did you take a nap today?
yeap.

 56. Who has the same birthday as you?
mrs. konovsky my 7th grade science teacher ^-^

 57. Ever met anyone famous before?
that one blonde girl from icarly my bf is obsessed with.

 58. Do you want to be famous one day?
it'd be nice. lol


 59. Any Pet Peeves?
lying. or saying youre gonna do something and not do it.


 60. Are you multitasking right now?
no

 61. Do you like Britany Spears?
i used to.

 62. What is your least favorite chore?
hmmm...prolly washing dishes if i had to choose.

 63. Last place you drove your car?
on the freeway to moreno valley

 64. Ever been out of the country?
nooo, not technically.

 65. Where were you born?
palm springs california

 66. Could you handle being in the military?
prolly not.

 67. What is your average cell phone bill?
well now like 50$

 68. Who are you thinking about right now?
my ivan.

 69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
the other day, i saw something funny on instagram

 70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
like 4 good pairs.

 71. Are your toes always painted?
no, but they will be.

 72. How many piercings do you have?
my nose and double holes in both my ear lobes.

 73. What are you doing today?
well, nothing because its already 11 pm:p

 74. Have you ever been gambling?
no

 75. When is the last time you updated your page?
like forever ago.

 76. Do you like rollercoasters?
yeaaas..

 77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
disneyland is my favorite place o earth

 78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
prollyyyy...minnie mouse.

 79. Last thing you cooked?
some pretty good meat loaf! ^-^

80. How's the weather?
EEEEEESSS KOWED!

 81. Do you e-mail?
only if i have to for like, something important....

82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
idk...drop it.

 83. Last time you were sick?
like couple days ago.

 84. What states have you lived in?
california and nevada.

 85. Do you wish you could move?
yeah:[ back to indio...

 86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?
ugh.

 87. What is your dream car?
idk prolly some kind of old mustang.


 88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
hasn't everybody?

 89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
moreno valley california, cause thats where my baby is.

 90. Are you happy with your life?
yah, id say so:}

You are just as beautiful to me,

as you were, before you became a father. 

❤❤❤

Happy Fathers day, my Ivan. 

You are forever loved and truly appreciated.

Thunderstorms could never stop me.

Even after all this time.

It's not a walk in the park to love each other 

But when our fingers interlock, 

Can't deny, can't deny you're worth it 

'Cause after all this time, I'm still into you.

I should be over all the butterflies

But I'm into you, I'm into you.

And baby even on our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you. 

Let 'em wonder how we got this far

'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all 

Yeah after all this time I'm still into you

I got myself,

Advice to the hurt, from the broken hearted.

I need advice on how to pull myself out of a slump? 

 Don’t allow yourself to mope. Push the bad thoughts out. Make a list of your problems and then a separate list of possible solutions for each one. Live by that list, go through it every night before bed and see what you did that day and why or why not. Don’t listen to sad songs.

-a friend.

I'm on my way to believing.

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry, and curse at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it. 

And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget.

And that was the day that I promised Id never sing of love, if it does not exist.

💔❤💔❤💔❤💔❤💔❤💔❤💔

CHIN UP BUTTER CUP,

I'd like to be my old self again, but im still trying to find it.

 Dear  15 year old Ashley, it was amazing, great and fun. free spirited and mildly wild. I found myself missing that part of my life. Wishing so much that I could relive it all and not change a thing. The one thing I have learned through out this short life I have lived...The only constant is change. Think about it, nothing stays the same, we move away, stray away from friends, lose family members, hate and love family members, fall in and out of love, move cities away, grow babies, make a family, build a home, buy a new car or rent a used one. So many things and so many changes. Its inevitable. it cannot be stopped. You learn to go with it. Once you stop and look around and actually take in all that has changed, you start to miss all the old things and the way you used to live your life. Wish you could go back and live it all...believe me it would be wonderful. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything in the world. I grew an absolutely gorgeous little human and I love her like I've never loved anything else in my life. I learned what LOVE really was when I met my daughter, Aleina Marie Torres the early morning of August the 25th, 2011. Her father, Ivan Nivardo, is the other half of my soul and I thank the lord everyday that I met him. I don't know where I'd be or who I'd be if he didn't come across little ol' me. Things are hard, things get so tough. We have ups and downs, more downs than ups these days. But I try my hardest to keep in mind that "It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."  Because for every dark night there is a brighter day.  I know everything will be okay, sooner or later I will be content with life to the fullest and live the life I've always wanted with my family that I have always dreamed about. I cannot wait. I am hopeful and optimistic as much as I can be. Don't give up, try, try again. When life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and politely say, 'you hit like a bitch'. Corniest line ever, but I honestly feel that's the way you have to be towards life, courageous, bold, brave and fearless. I can conquer anything I set my mind to. I will, and you can watch me or join me. I can promise you will learn something either way.

 

 

 

xoxoxo, Ashley.

Everything flows and nothing stays.

Aleina Marie,

Y o u are the reason why even at the saddest part of my life, I smile. Even at confusion, I understand. Even in betrayal, I trust. Even in fear of pain, I love.

Aleina Marie,

You are the reason why even at the saddest part of my life, I smile. Even at confusion, I understand. Even in betrayal, I trust. Even in fear of pain, I love.

For miles and miles of forever my eternal love.

burning R E D

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

Faster than the wind

Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly

Loving him is like trying to change your mind

Once you’re already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in autumn

So bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue like I’d never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red

Loving him was red

Touching him is like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong

Losing him was blue like I’d never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red

Oh red burning red

 

 

 

 

John, you know good things.

Fathers be good to you're daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers. So mothers be good to your daughters too.

holy C O W

I swear I'm so stupid. I do this to myself, all the time. I swear my mind will be the death of me. I have this one teeny tiny thought in my head... Then I get these other thoughts in my head, then I start thinking about all of this bullshit that I don't need to be thinking of and stress myself out. I absolutely hate it. I am, my worst enemy. I'm the biggest procrastinator. I slow myself down. I say I want things and don't stick to it or fiend for it. I obviously don't want it that much right???!! I swear I'm crazy. And pathetic. I can't stand myself. I want to be a completely different person. No....a BETTER version of myself. I'm jealous. Crazy. Loud. Ignorant. Lazy. Greedy. Glutinous. And masochistic....(but in a normal way, as in NON sexual like it says I'm the dictionary...) I mean. I just want to be the person I want to be already and I don't know what it's gonna take for me to get there. I'm sure this makes no sense at all to whomever is reading this...but, it makes perfect sense to me. I'm sad. Now, and always...I'm doing it to myself though. No one is making me sad, no one is hurting me. I am the responsible one. I see the things that I do and the way I am and it makes me completely sad. I see these people and pictures, and say to myself "this is what I want".... NO,NOT TO BE LIKE THE PEOPLE I SEE. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE ANYONE ELSE. Like I said before, I want to be a better version of myself. I've always wanted to be skinny...but now I just want to be done with "wishing" to be skinny...I just want to be HAPPY with MYSELF...IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING UNHAPPY WITH MYBODY....am I making ANY SENSE????! But here's the thing, when I weigh what I've always wanted to weigh and look the way I've always wanted to look (when I have, my idea of a perfect body) I will be happy and satisfied. I'm a piece of shit aren't I? For thinking all of this shit.... Gosh. I feel pathetic. Am I dramatic? Am I being a drama queen ? This is honest to god how I feel. How I've felt for a long time. I'm just a scared insecure little girl. I don't want to be this way forever. Why can't I change the way my mind works? What's wrong with me? Jeez. F M L. I gotta quit this BS. Fuuuuuuck.FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUUUUUUUCKKKK. Ugh. That's so ugly. Okay. Fuck.

You played it to the beat.

Craziness

At its finest.

Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep.

It's a mad house behind the breast under the hair.

It's insane how you can claim to love someone one minute and then do something that shows that you don't give one fuck about them. Crazy huh? It's one little word that comes out, one sentence. A couple of words. And they can just crush the inside of your soul and break your entire heart. I don't understand why I'm STILL here after all that he's put me through. After six months of darkness. I'm still here. I feel like a grain of sand. With him I'm just a tiny little thing. I am nothing to him. Worthless. His words say something and his actions say something completely different. It's like he doesn't want me to believe him at all. Is he even telling the truth?? Do I believe him? Do I leave him? I can't? Where would I live? What will I do? NONE OF THOSE FUCKING QUESTIONS SHOULD MATTER. What matters is MY DAUGHTER. MEEEEE!!! Not that PIECE OF SHIT. WASTE OF OXYGEN. All he is a germ. It's disgusting. A scumbag, WORTHLESS piece of shiiiiit. I swear I don't know what I'm doing here. What are you doing here? Where are you gonna go? Why don't you go? How are you still there? Why are you still HEREE? Just do something about your future. And out your DAUGHTERS FUTURE. and get through it. Just play it out. Just go with it. And when you're the successful independent one paying for all his junk, then....is the time to leave. When your on your own two feet. Just do it Ashley. You can do it. I BELIEVE IN YOU, if nobody else will.
I love you,
Xoxoxo
Ashley.

October of 2012

 

 

I find it so insane how broken I was from the end February 2012 till the end of August the same year. I was literally the mere definition of b r o k e n. my life was just this big blur and a mixture of dark and light. Madness and a complete somber mess. I've never been that sad or depressed in my life. I feel embarrassed, especially because it was over a male, human being. Who honestly, wasn't worth being that sad over. Not worth me crying myself to sleep for six months. Not worth my daughters sanity and happiness at the most crucial learning times of her life. No. It's crazy how the day he broke up with me, is the day I stopped sleeping. I'd stay up until 7:00 in the morning then sleep for 3 hours and get up for work. I was a walking zombie. I hated life. I hated myself. My daughter made me smile...but being in that state of depression...not even her heart, mind, or happiness mattered. Mine was gone. And that's all I could ever think of. How I could get it back, and how it even disappeared. I went crazy. Mad. Insane. I was stuck in a dark, deep, somber, black hole in the ground. I thought I actually knew what that meant when Jerry used to hit me. No. That sadness and hurt was different. I was so young. Even though I still am now, ivan is the father of my daughter. Blood of my blood. I couldn't just forget him or get over him. He was everything to me and everything I've ever wanted. I couldn't just get him out of my mind. He was there 24-7. Always. Wether physically there or not. He was there. Wherever Aleina was, he was. His clothes, shoes, cologne, hats, bracelets. Anything...everything reminded me of him. I had to move my room around, change the bed sheets, put up posters. Change my hair. Just to T R Y and get rid of him. Nothing worked. The whole room was tainted. It will be forever. I guess I just didn't have a strong enough mentality, or a backbone at all. I wish I could be more like Esther. Stronger mind, heart and soul. She has a backbone. Ivan was my backbone. Now I have to grow one for myself. Incase it ever happens again. Incase one day I get tired of HIM. And decide to leave him for no reason. Which will never happen. Ill have a reason. He's been pushing it. And I'm letting it go, everyday. And pretty soon, I can feel it in my bones...that I won't put up with it any longer.

its crrrraaazy,

thennnn* 

 

 

 

 

 

nowwww*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

whenn i waaaas cute.

meee n mahh nana♡ 

2010*

Me, britt, cousin Makayla, sister Leiah ♡ 

2010*

thanksgiving 2010

faaaaaaam*

so,

things have been fantastical. Maybe not though. because more sucky stuff have been going on than happy stuff. I mean, i should be grateful for being alive and healthy, and having a gorgeous healthy daughter...but idk. there is a lot of shit going on. In March we all have to leave this house because my grandmother is leaving to San Francisco  and my brother and sisters don't really have anywhere to go. it makes me sad to think they really have no one else to rely on but me...they deserve the world, for having to go through all they have. They deserve the entire world and more. They're the most beautiful bunch of kids, they're my babies. And i will be here as much as i can be for them, since no one else is, really. I love them as if they were my own. wich in a matter of fact...they honestly are. Anyway, ive been really wanting to get a new job....easier said than done, but i just really need to get my ass more money. I'm so tired of not having enough money for anything. I want to have nice things for my daughter. My own place,a car for Ivan AND myself. Nice clothes and shoes for both of my lovleys and myself. Ugh, its just so hard. Well honestly, it probably isn't THAT hard, i just have to WORK, hard. Yuh know. and that should be no problem if i keep my daugter in mind. I just want it all to happen fast and i know that wont happen. ughhhhhhhhhlksdfiureyfvhjejfdkdjhoi. Boo.
*sad face

well it will all come as soon as i get my butt working. Ivan as well.God will bless us soon.
hopefully.

*duh