i can honestly say i LOVE ivan...i LOVE him with more passion and devotion than any other living being on this planet...[other than my daughter] i have never met anyone so different and beautiful and confident in my life. everything about ivan is attractive, he has not one unattractive bone in his body...
SO back on to this crap he was doing with this girl...she had absolutely no idea he lives with me...not until i told her what was REALLY going on...FUCK THAT right? i do absolutely everything for ivan, as if he was a 6 year old, and even more fucked up,...as if he was STILL MY BOYFRIEND. I wash his clothes, make his food, buy him his necessities when he needs them, and anything else at his request...he has a job and stuff, and he does so much for me too, but the thing is, i dont do it so he can buy me and do things for me back, i do it so i gain the respect from him...but that's obviously not the case with ivan. He doesn't appreciate me. at all, he doesn't realize how much he needs me just as much as i need him....and the real question here is, "why doesn't he just be with you?" we are BASICALLY in a relationship...he is just too stubborn to understand.He doesn't want to feel. He doesnt want to be in a relationship...i don't blame him, hes a 21 year old with raging hormones. i get it...and yes i know there is some man out there just waiting to give me what ive always wanted.
but the thing is, ivan D I D give me EXACTLY what ive always wished for. He made a stupid ass decision on a temporary feeling. a Temporary thought really...
and hen here is where the stupid pathetic crazy part comes in...
"WHY IN THE WORLD IS IVAN STILL THERE?"
is what you're asking right?...
well, we share a child, a car, and expenses.
we are both in the worst money situation ever. we don't get welfare money, we don't have great jobs, and we get shity hours at that. Its really tough. He also has absolutely no where to go. None of his family lives out here, and he doesnt want to live away from aleina. His mother Lives in a studio apartment in palm desert with her boyfriend, and he'd be living on a couch, with no where for aleina to sleep or stay, its not at all stable. His sister is also living in a studio apartment, and he friend recently moved in and there isn't even room for HER.
And those are the onbly people he has down here...so this is what ive been dealing with for several months...it is by fa the most heart breaking and frustrating thing ive ever gone through...i wish i could do this all over again, do everything right. Not before aleina was born, but when she was born...thats where everything started...i would've fixed things right when they went wrong...
i just wish i could've changed his mind about things, about us, and our relationship...but i know it'll never happen. He is possibly thee most stubborn person in the world. He'll never love me again.
but you know what, i hope i find someone to give me everything i deserve. Everything i wish for at night. everything i want. someone to make me happy, and at peace with everything. Im a very unhappy, distraught, depressed and somber person right now...and no one else will change that but myself. Ivan cant do it, i mean as much as he makes me happy, i know its only temporary. I remember hes not mine, and that is what kills me. It just feels like im rotting from my heart and decaying from my soul. Ive never been this sad. not even when i had to give my precious puppies away, not even when my mother and father went away to rehab, and when my brother and sister were torn away from me. Not even when my dad went to prison for 9 months. Not even when i found out he'll be going for another TWO YEARS on the 6 of september. Not even when i found out my grandfather, the last man i had faith in, was on drugs.
This is all what i deal with every single day of my life. this is whats on my plate, whats on my mind daily.
Ivan, is all i have left of what i can call a f a m i l y ...
& i love him, very much.
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