It sucks when

Your so ridiculously in love with someone and they can give a shit less about anything you even do. I care about every little move he makes. He's the love of my life. And he wouldn't even notice if I fell of the face of the earth. It's probably the most SUCKIEST, worst feeling of my life. It's like I'm invisible. If I'm nobody, as if I don't exist. As if I don't mean anything. As if I don't do everything for him. He used to say "you come before anyone" and he would get SO mans and angry when I'd say, "my mom or my toto and my dad love me more" or that they're more important. It would be the end of the world when I'd say those kind of things...but now. You don't even care if I die. I hope one day you realize how much I love you. As a matter of fact, I hope you realize TOO late!!!!! And I'm already gone and OVER you, happily taken by a man who loves and cherishes me to the core. I'm gonna love that day,just you wait. Ivan Nivardo, you're gonna regret this all.

a few things,

1. What I want to be?
 -happy
2. What I am wearing right now?
 -jean vest, black tank, black leggings
3. My last night out in detail?
 -sheyla came home from texas,
4. First thing you thought about this morning?
 -"shit, its 10:30, i should probably get up"....*falls back asleep, wakes up 2 and a half hours later*
5.  Something i’m currently worrying about.
 -everything
6. Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
-every one i've seen.
7. My longest relationship and who it was with?
-Gerardo Esteban Covarrubias jr, jair bear. for two and a half years.
8. What my last text message says?
-from kandace saying "i'll be there:)"
9. What kind of person attracts you?
-confident, smart, FUNNY, witty, clever, and FUNNY.
10. Is it hard to make you laugh?
-nope.
11. Do you act differently around the person you like?
-i dont "like" anyone, i LOVE someone and, no. i dont. i act my complete self.
12. Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
-he means everything to me.
13. What’s stopping you from going for the person you like?
-i dont "like" anyone, the person i LOVE doesnt love me back.
14. Who would you like to see right now?
-probably adrian, my best firend. just to talk to him, hes the best friend ive ever had.
15. Are you missing someone?
-someone i used to know,.
16. What I find attractive in boys?
-cleverness
17. Do you drink?
-yes
18. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did?
-not that i know of.
19. The one person who’s arms I’d like to be in?
-Ivan Nivardo Torres. for always.
20. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-everyday for the rest of my entire life.
21. If i’ve done something I regretted very much?
-yes.
22. What was the last party I went, and when will the next be?
-alex's birthday party, and i doubt i'll be at another one anytime soon, but who knows.
23. The last time I felt jealous, and why?
-i'd rather not.
24. Last person you hugged?
-ivan
25. Your last kiss?
-was beautiful, because of the person i kissed.
26. What you wear to bed?
-minnie mouse jams
27. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is?
-its COMPLICATED. SINGLE LIFE IS THE WORST LIFE.
28. Picture of yourself?

29. Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?
-currently
30. The reason behind my last break up?
-"i just don't want to"
31. The last compliment that you’ve received?
-"you're beautiful momma" from my mother.
32. My favourite actors/actresses?
-mila kunis, shia lebouf, meghan fox, ashton kutcher, johnny depp
33. Celebrity crush?
-shia, megan, mila
34. My favorite book?
-night by elie wiesel
35. A famous person I’ve been compared to?
-no one.
36. The best thing that has happened to me this week?
-nothing.
37. Do you believe in abortion?
-yes

There cannot be a word

for how much i miss this person. I couldn't tell you, how many times a day i wish i could go back to these months. This person in this picture was watching Forrest Gump, and i called him because i served him his dinner. right as he sat down to eat, he heard a part he just couldn't miss, even though we had watched the movie a million times before. I cant remember what part of the movie, but it was obviously more important than his dinner for a minute or two. I couldn't miss this moment anymore right now. i remember saying to myself in my head as i took this picture, "I'm going to remember this forever"...and i know i will. This person, his dimples, his voice, face, mouth, teeth, feet and hands. The way he sneezed and sniffled. The way he kissed me, and held me. The happy and sad moments. Every single argument, every single smile. I promised myself to never forget how perfect he is. every inch of him, inside and out. rotten or spoiled. I'd love him unconditionally forever. I refuse to believe that we're dysfunctional, or that we don't get along. We did, everyday of our life...idk what happened...stress from being brand new parents caught up to us...at the most vulnerable times. I wish they hadn't. i wish every day i can start all over...cherish every single little second. I love you, Ivan Nivardo.

this feeling will never go away.

‘All I want is to be with you always.
I give you everything.
Pay some attention to me.
All I want is just you and me always.

Give me affection.
I need your perfection.
Cause you feel so good.
You make me stutter, stutter.’

 i can still f e e l your voice in my ear & i swear it still sends the chills down my neck.

It’s like you’re s c r e a m i n g and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like n o t h i n g. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good.

relevant.

As much as I hate myself, I hate you more
But I still smile when you come through that door
And as much as I hate my life, I hate yours too
Just can’t seem to teach myself to ignore you

so, i am currently dealing with

a CRAP load of things... literally. Everything right now is so fucked up and not at all how i thought things would be....its so sad. And pathetic, and STUPID. I have no idea what im thinking. Ivan nivardo torres, broke up with me 6 months ago. He has lived with me STILL ever since. And what i found out is that he has been talking to a girl named Marisol, and has hung out with her on numerous occasions, without me knowing. This was going on for months and they were practically together, calling each other babe, baby and also telling each other "i love you" back and fourth....this is making me teary eyed and my throat is burning as i type these things. This is thee most heart breaking thing that has EVER happened to me. and ive been CHEATED ON, ABUSED, AND CALLED EVERY MEAN WORD IN THE BOOK BY AN EX BOYFRIEND. Nothing compares to this, i didnt love jerry, he was my best friend and it was puppy love...
i can honestly say i LOVE ivan...i LOVE him with more passion and devotion than any other living being on this planet...[other than my daughter] i have never met anyone so different and beautiful and confident in my life. everything about ivan is attractive, he has not one unattractive bone in his body...
SO back on to this crap he was doing with this girl...she had absolutely no idea he lives with me...not until i told her what was REALLY going on...FUCK THAT right? i do absolutely everything for ivan, as if he was a 6 year old, and even more fucked up,...as if he was STILL MY BOYFRIEND. I wash his clothes, make his food, buy him his necessities when he needs them, and anything else at his request...he has a job and stuff, and he does so much for me too, but the thing is, i dont do it so he can buy me and do things for me back, i do it so i gain the respect from him...but that's obviously not the case with ivan. He doesn't appreciate me. at all, he doesn't realize how much he needs me just as much as i need him....and the real question here is, "why doesn't he just be with you?" we are BASICALLY in a relationship...he is just too stubborn to understand.He doesn't want to feel. He doesnt want to be in a relationship...i don't blame him, hes a 21 year old with raging hormones. i get it...and yes i know there is some man out there just waiting to give me what ive always wanted.
but the thing is, ivan D I D give me EXACTLY what ive always wished for. He made a stupid ass decision on a temporary feeling. a Temporary thought really...
and hen here is where the stupid pathetic crazy part comes in...

"WHY IN THE WORLD IS IVAN STILL THERE?"

is what you're asking right?...
well, we share a child, a car, and expenses.
we are both in the worst money situation ever. we don't get welfare money, we don't have great jobs, and we get shity hours at that. Its really tough. He also has absolutely no where to go. None of his family lives out here, and he doesnt want to live away from aleina. His mother Lives in a studio apartment in palm desert with her boyfriend, and he'd be living on a couch, with no where for aleina to sleep or stay, its not at all stable. His sister is also living in a studio apartment, and he friend recently moved in and there isn't even room for HER.
And those are the onbly people he has down here...so this is what ive been dealing with for several months...it is by fa the most heart breaking and frustrating thing ive ever gone through...i wish i could do this all over again, do everything right. Not before aleina was born, but when she was born...thats where everything started...i would've fixed things right when they went wrong...
i just wish i could've changed his mind about things, about us, and our relationship...but i know it'll never happen. He is possibly thee most stubborn person in the world. He'll never love me again.
but you know what, i hope i find someone to give me everything i deserve. Everything i wish for at night. everything i want. someone to make me happy, and at peace with everything. Im a very unhappy, distraught, depressed and somber person right now...and no one else will change that but myself. Ivan cant do it, i mean as much as he makes me happy, i know its only temporary. I remember hes not mine, and that is what kills me. It just feels like im rotting from my heart and decaying from my soul. Ive never been this sad. not even when i had to give my precious puppies away, not even when my mother and father went away to rehab, and when my brother and sister were torn away from me. Not even when my dad went to prison for 9 months. Not even when i found out he'll be going for another TWO YEARS on the 6 of september. Not even when i found out my grandfather, the last man i had faith in, was on drugs.
This is all what i deal with every single day of my life. this is whats on my plate, whats on my mind daily.

Ivan, is all i have left of what i can call a f a m i l y ...
& i love him, very much.

Today is my 20th birthday

I'm two decades old. I cant wait till next year ;)

how did i get so lucky?

To have a gorgeous little teeny tiny booger monster around me everyday! ^-^ 

I am absolutely and definitely in love with this little girl, so much more every single day of my life. 

She is my forever and ever for eternity.  My neina boogie.