Being a mom

Is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. (Obviously) BUT….being a GENTLE parent is by far even harder than that. I’ve had such a hard time with both of my older babies really and especially my Neina. She’s so special..and sensitive. My precious baby. She just struggles a bit more than most kids.

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Love, Jonah.

It’s just always an issue…with literally anything and everything. Finding clothes to wear to school, losing her lanyard for school. Fighting with jeims…feeling like she doesn’t belong or that she doesn’t have friends. Just literally anything. She struggles with. We are always communicating with her about how much she has our support and how much we love her OBVIOUSLY but man it just always feel like it’s never enough. Like there’s just nothing we can do to make her feel better other than just loving on her and giving her hugs. I always knew her being a teenager would be hard but…first offf, she’s not even technically a teenager yet and second I didn’t think it would be hard like THIS. The last thing that I’m gonna says is, that she is worth ALL of this “hard” things. She is an angel on earth…she is SO special beyond words. She means the entire world to me and i am up for the “challenge” of the rest of these “hard” years. She is my daughter and i promised to be here for her in every possible way i can be. SMy lifes priority is to be the most supportive mother i can be and be here for her every step of every way she needs. I cant wait to go get our nails done together for the first time. Or…go on a lone shopping trip or just hang … just the two of us. I need to make that happen soon. She’s old enough and not getting any younger and neither am i 🥹🥺. K…I’m gonna go before i start crying. 

\This is her. My baby … i cant believe this shit. 😖😖🥹

It’s insane

 That blogger literally keeps every single picture that I have ever uploaded onto this thing has been k e p t…even if the post has since been deleted. All those pictures…still there. For me to see and be shocked and too stunned to fucking speak. It’s insane. The amount of pictures i uploaded with my ex is absurd and to be quite frankly slapped me in the face…no pun intended. (And if you don’t get what i mean by that he was an abusive piece of shit) it made my heart sink, and race at the same time…and absolutely not in a good way. It made my heart race in an anxious kind of way. Like i was nervous…I don’t exactly know why. I also had a lot of pictures of tony. It feels weird to think about him even more to see pictures of him. For so many years I’ve shoved the memory of him in this like, dark little box in the back and bottom of my brain…with a lock and chain on it. I was under the impression. For so many years that he was something special, or most importantly that i was something special TO HIM. When i became more self aware, and just GREW UP and wasn’t an easily  manipulated little girl i realized ALOT…clearly not only about him and the relationship we had but about everything and everyone i had a relationship with. I realized with him specifically that it was manipulation at its absolute finest. He made me believe I was special to him. Made me believe he loved me but he n e v e r ever said it out loud. And i always wondered why he never took me serious or never took things further or never said the words i love you. When Ivan and i were broken up he said i was “pure” and “innocent” and that  he wanted to be my first…and not until years and literal years later it all clicked. I was this innocent little being he thought he could keep without the responsibilities of a boyfriend. Keep me but not like a keeper of someone you love, more like keep me on a leash, keep me in a box that he only had the key for. Soooo fucking cheesy sounding and corny and “pobrecita” sounding i know. But 🤷🏽‍♀️ honestly i sound like i have a lot of unhealed shit going on so I’m gonna stop. Or maybe I shouldn’t…? Why do i feel ashamed right now? Probably because i feel embarrassed for even typing this shit. For thinking of him. Does healing mean letting shit out? I think so…right? Good god. You know….something that just came to my mind…? How, in the actual fuck do i have all these fucking emotions and feelings about t (idk why I do not in the slightest feel comfortable spelling out his name) but compared to that NOTHING about jerry. And that motherfucker physically hurt me as well as emotionally and mentally…just all the ways you can hurt someone. He did to me. Why am i not angry with him? Why do i not have any emotions like i do him?????? What the fuck is it.now I’m pissed…? Cause like….wtf. Uggggggggggh. I’m sooooo fucking over this shit lol… fuck them both.

Currently,

Listening to The invisible life of Addie LaRue...i read it first and it was so good i had to listen to it. I saw that someone said that the voices that went along with this book were amazing but hopnestly it bothers the living fuck out of me that its just one person and she voices even the men and its driving me nuts. It doesnt make it any less good and i still am obsessed with listening but its just super annoying becauase like??? i cant. Anywhoser..i noticed that i came here to complain about iuvan...ALOT. And soon, but definately not tonight i will write the good thiongs about him. Just not tonight because im pissed off at him more than usual and ...well...i dont want to only copme here to complain about him. Soon, ill make that post that are nothing but good things. Soon. 

Ive never been

more embarassed in my entire life...OF THIS BLOGGGGGGG. lolz. I just cant believe i am that cringe and annying and dramatic. I mean, i will say all of everything again with my chest but like its juust a liiiiitle cringey. Ya know? I love that i documented everything i really do. I appreciate younger ashley and all those stages of my life. Im so grateful for her...and where she got me. She got me here, on this day, (night) in my home, my cute ass two bedroom beautiful BIG apartment with the love of my life and my THREE BEAUTIFUL children...yea i said it...3 children. 3. Its still insane to think. Im so happy, and content with things lately. More than being frustrated anyway, cause dont get it twisted bitch i still struggle...alot but like im happy? Yaknow? lol.