TSSF - clairvoyant / out here with real life things.

I think you'll notice when things become different
The good vibes in our lives won't feel so consistent
And less becomes more cause the weight is too heavy
I swim in the water that's breaking your levee

"This is your life there's no way to run from it
The doubt in your brain or the pain in your stomach
I only have but one complaint at the moment:
Don't paint me black when I used to be golden"

where the hell. what the fuck.

where are all the real blogs.
that talk about real life shit?
do people not do that, does it not exist?
id like to know.

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold,
at least you'll know
You're beautiful
Every little piece, love; don't you know?
You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful

life is fucking hard.

Beats you up constantly. You are fighting life, constantly. BUT, if you don't  f i g h t  b a c k  and  LET  life  beat you up, you'll NEVER get anywhere you want to be.

manifestation.

im honestly, going to start practicing this. Im absolutely 100% positive I am capable of this and I have done this successfully. I am a go getter. When I want something, I go and get it and I know I can and I DO. THAT is one thing I know I'm good at.  I am capable of obtaining happiness. Positivity. Success. Im going to get there. If I can dream it I can do it. And I know if I have this state of mind, I can do   

 w h a t e v e  r   in the world I dream up. 

"Hold on to hope if you got it, and don't let it go for no body. They say that dreaming is free. I wouldn't care  w h a t  it'd cost me."

I've hoped for change
It gets better everyday
I've hoped for change
But still I feel the same




There's something wrong

tomorrow is a new day. is what I keep telling myself.
im gonna feel better tomorrow.

I have a completely new found understanding as to why people do drugs. or drink.
to suppress this kind feeling I have inside.
sleep is like my drug. my phone, the internet, is my drug of choice. and in a lot of ways its just as harmful as ACTUAL drugs. especially my mental health.
sometimes I feel like I want to stay away from the internet. for a bunch of reasons.
but then again, for some really good reasons I wouldn't want to be away. like seeing pictures of my friends and family, and know what they've been up to. it makes me happy. whenever Hayley and the Paramore page posts it makes me so happy. and I guess maybe I should not be following things the don't bring that kind of positivity to my life.

I still can't believe it.

That I actually got to see my favorite band ever, play live. it was one of the best times of my life and just wish I could re live it over again because it was over so fast. faster than I expected. I didn't want it to end. I cried when I didn't think I would. and cried absolutely when I knew I would. like when I got to hear my favorite song ever live! when aint it fun I lost it, I danced as much as I could despite the little space we all had! It was amazing to say the least. *via instagram* Haven’t had this good of a time in a LONG time. Sang, danced, cried and smiled ALOT ! This was a dream come true for me. Ain’t it fun has been my favorite song since I first heard it and I’ve Imagined dancing to it live whenever I played it. I got to do that last night and it was everything I dreamt it would be ❤️ thank you @paramore for making my day happier, and making this album, one we can all boogie to 💘

this might be stupid to some.

but, im honestly truly...truly intrigued with the whole making money off of social media thing.
Im great at putting my face on...and working at Sephora has taught me
1. With how much I DO NOT enjoy putting make up on others.
2. How much I love to experiment with my make up.
3. How much I enjoy putting my face on and having that time for me.
4. How much I truly enjoy teaching others about make up and how to use it.
I know I could do it. I can feel it in my bones. the only thing is having the courage and the actual discipline to go through with it and keep it up. because I know its definitely no walk  in the park.
I definitely want to give it a shot...and see if I'm really cut out for it.

I've been.

its so hard to try and find motivation. motivation to do literally anything. to get up in the morning. to eat, to brush my damn teeth...to do anything but sit or lay on the couch and scroll through n app that does nothing but contribute to my decreasing mental health. its sad. I know, so don't think I don't. its like im a willing slave to this shit. its an actual drug. I don't know how to stop. honestly if there was rehab for social media id be the first one to sign up cause im so fed up feeling like this.

I get these shiny moments of feeling energized and motivated and happy.
and when I say shiny moments, I mean a whole (literal) 2 seconds. a lil fleeting moment. a lil glimpse. of "oh my god I wanna do my makeup." "im gonna be productive" "im fly as hell what am I doing sitting on this couch"

Im completely aware of what takes to be productive. I know it starts with me. I know it starts with me getting my ass up and willingly kicking the days ass.
usually these days have been brutally BEATING my ass.
 I don't know how to explain this feeling that I've been feeling. I quit my job to spend more time with my kids. and that fills my heart with so much joy that I get to spend my days with them. But I know that im so unhappy...but I can't explain for my life as to WHY that is. i wish I knew .