Same.

I shouldn't be doubting myself...when Ivan's the asshole. Ivan is the one not putting his percentage in this "relationship". If I can even call it that. I don't think so. This is not a relationship. This is a fucking hell hole that I can't get out of.

Again.

I swore I'd never get to that place. But here I am, somber lonely and cold. Dramatic? Or true...? Maybe both...but I know it's what's going on. With me at least. Ivan just says the same things I do to him. About not trying and that I don't love him... 

And that's why I'm doubting myself...like maybe it's me? Maybe I'm the problem? Maybe I should try harder?

But then, that's the thing...I HAVE. So many times. So many different times I've tried to be nice to this human being. I've tried telling him, how much he means to me, I write, I say, I do. I hug him, kiss him and tell him how handsome he is. Always...cook, clean, do his laundry. But none of its enough. Why should j keep doing things like that...why should I go above and beyond for someone who doesn't even  reciprocate those things?

Tell me. Please...

What to do. 

I want to be hugged, with passion. Kissed like I'm the only one in the world. Looked at like I'm the prettiest thing he's laid eyes on. Talked about like I'm a found treasure.  And loved, unconditionally.

Is there even such a thing? If so, I dream of it. Always, all day. And when I sleep...

I always was the little girl who day deemed about the perfect guy, sort of like a Prince Charming...who was gonna save me from everything. Make my whole world brighter. 

He did, for a second. He gave me my children. And they saved me to be honest. I guess I don't need a boy to save me now. 

I just want someone to accompany me on my journey through life. Someone who will be there by my side and encourage my every step. Not drown it with a complaint and an asshole remark...EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. 

I'm tired. 

xo

TheLovelyManic