As long as I remember I would pray.
I would pray to god.
I would beg him to bring back people into my life.
And he would.
I would pray, I would journal.
I would fall asleep thinking of it.
I would cry.
I would write.
He ALWAYS granted me whatever I wished for.
As an adult, now I fully understand it was never god at all. The universe has always been in my favor.
I am quite literally one with the universe. I know its all woowoo sounding, and that's because it is. Without a doubt. I believe. Just like everyone believes in Jesus and god. the universe is my god. And it loves me. I am divinely protected and HIGHLY favored.
A week ago, my coworker asked if I wanted to take a "sick" day a week ahead and let her come in for me. I said yes absolutely because I can use all the sick days I can get these days.
With little to absolutely no surprise, I forgot. Completely.
Fast forward to the last couple days, I have been eaten ALIVE by my mental health. it is at an all time low. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. These days have just been consuming me. All fo this has been becoming all too much. I wish I never did this. I wish my sister wasn't a piece of shit. I wish someone else stepped up. I know all of this to be true...but at the same time ...you know what. where getting off topic. IVE BEN HAVING THE HARDEST TIME...
today rolls around and. much like the last few days, it swallows me whole with 3 separate times I've had to be in contact with this social worker and that social worker, deal with my alcoholic sister in my house who I have nothing in common with. I slaved over a stove, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, made sure my toddlers brain wasn't eaten by trash YouTube tv. I drove for hours taking the kids here and there 4 times. therapy day is the most work...on top of all of this. Ivan AS ALWAYS (unfortunately) does something at the beginning of the day that completely ruins everything. Made me feel 1000X worse than how I was already feeling. then the res of the day played out how I described.
When he got home I did not greet him with kindness because I was not granted any at the start of my day even though I had made it ABUNDANTLY clear I was having a hard time..
He came home and made everything worse....AGAIN.
I had a really hard day. And through my day, I had a CONSTANT thought in the back of my mind (amongst ALLLLLLLLLL the other things) "make sure to text mom in the morning asking if she can pick up Jonah from school" or "ugh, I work tomorrow" Just fully keeping in mind I have to be at work the next day.
I did not have a good day. He understood this completely. but still, made everything worse somehow.
How is it someone who is supposed to make everything feel lighter...feel like they just tied a 500lb weight around your neck and threw you in the ocean.
he fought, and defended and made faces acting like I was crazy and like he just couldn't understand with the most absurd tone
Instead of being soft, and gentle, and caring, and caressing, and open arms, and "what can I do to make it better" "I just want to make it better" gentleness, kindness, softness, tenderness. No.
there was no excuse for his behavior, intent or not. I don't feel this way for just nothing.
I argued, I yelled, I cried. I agreed, I apologized (for what I have no idea.) he still had a confused and scrunched face as if I was being ridiculous or crazy. Defending himself instead of protecting little Ashley.
I had enough, said I needed to take a shower and be alone. I needed him to leave me alone because he was only making everything worse.
I get to the bathroom, barely holding on, barely holding it all together, wondering how the FUCK am I just supposed to clock into work tomorrow...and as I'm bursting into tears a text message come to my phone.
My coworker:
"reminding you, not to go to work tomorrow"
"Oh sherlock...? what do we say about coincidence?"
"The universe is rarely so lazy"