That blogger literally keeps every single picture that I have ever uploaded onto this thing has been k e p t…even if the post has since been deleted. All those pictures…still there. For me to see and be shocked and too stunned to fucking speak. It’s insane. The amount of pictures i uploaded with my ex is absurd and to be quite frankly slapped me in the face…no pun intended. (And if you don’t get what i mean by that he was an abusive piece of shit) it made my heart sink, and race at the same time…and absolutely not in a good way. It made my heart race in an anxious kind of way. Like i was nervous…I don’t exactly know why. I also had a lot of pictures of tony. It feels weird to think about him even more to see pictures of him. For so many years I’ve shoved the memory of him in this like, dark little box in the back and bottom of my brain…with a lock and chain on it. I was under the impression. For so many years that he was something special, or most importantly that i was something special TO HIM. When i became more self aware, and just GREW UP and wasn’t an easily manipulated little girl i realized ALOT…clearly not only about him and the relationship we had but about everything and everyone i had a relationship with. I realized with him specifically that it was manipulation at its absolute finest. He made me believe I was special to him. Made me believe he loved me but he n e v e r ever said it out loud. And i always wondered why he never took me serious or never took things further or never said the words i love you. When Ivan and i were broken up he said i was “pure” and “innocent” and that he wanted to be my first…and not until years and literal years later it all clicked. I was this innocent little being he thought he could keep without the responsibilities of a boyfriend. Keep me but not like a keeper of someone you love, more like keep me on a leash, keep me in a box that he only had the key for. Soooo fucking cheesy sounding and corny and “pobrecita” sounding i know. But 🤷🏽♀️ honestly i sound like i have a lot of unhealed shit going on so I’m gonna stop. Or maybe I shouldn’t…? Why do i feel ashamed right now? Probably because i feel embarrassed for even typing this shit. For thinking of him. Does healing mean letting shit out? I think so…right? Good god. You know….something that just came to my mind…? How, in the actual fuck do i have all these fucking emotions and feelings about t (idk why I do not in the slightest feel comfortable spelling out his name) but compared to that NOTHING about jerry. And that motherfucker physically hurt me as well as emotionally and mentally…just all the ways you can hurt someone. He did to me. Why am i not angry with him? Why do i not have any emotions like i do him?????? What the fuck is it.now I’m pissed…? Cause like….wtf. Uggggggggggh. I’m sooooo fucking over this shit lol… fuck them both.
