today.

today was intense and scary.
intense because I wanted to cry and be in bed all day and forget abut everything.
scary because I wanted to forget everything. I was so irritable and angry and upset all day. another one of those "lump in my throat" kind of days.
I felt like I had to take deep breaths ALL DAY. just to make me feel better.
it was horrible. I just want it to be tomorrow so I can start over and just hopefully have a better day.

come thru Selina Kyle

October 2016 ♥
went to a halloween party where I was basically the only one "dressed" up... fml.
also, if it weren't for my computer correcting me...I would've spelled the word halloween....like "holloween" FML.

tlm♥

time.

one super cool about this whole stay at home thing...is being able to heal..a little different. instead of trying to heal while working full time and being stressed is not necessarily healing, in my opinion...

I take everyday as it comes. right out of the cage I tried doing this whole posting on my makeup page everyday and have this schedule and painting my face everyday wasn't very different from what I was walking away from in the first place. Painting my face, trying to set up a recording space, taking a million photos and trying to edit them and perfect them. I had a million things to catch up on in my home. like my laundry was a mountain high, I had just shit/stuff on the top of my dresser that needed to be put away for a decade. I needed to make sure all things in my personal life were straight, clean and organized before I can go and start to feel better. I can't feel better if everything is shit. (even though everything is shit) I needed to make sure that things I do have complete control over ( like my fucking laundry) was taken care of. I don't know if thats logical or thats like the way everyone thinks, but its definately the way it needs to be for me.  so I've also have been taking all those things day by day, one at a time. Relaxing a lot in between. because I felt like I needed a big break. a break for my brain..

if I took all those things on at once I think id go even crazier. even though all those things aren't necessarily "hard" to do or really big tasks, I still felt the need to completely relax for a couple weeks. take a vacation. and no not a physical one, because obvi...but I mean a mental vacation. do things that don't require a lot of brain work lol idk if that sounds stupid...

anyway.. the main thought that brought on this word vomit is the fact that everyday is a second chance.  everyday I wake up I am able to start over. tomorrow is another day. and I know that pertains to everybody..even with a full time job, but...I felt like I wasn't able to have a day to myself to get things done on the days I had to work. and the days I wasnt working were dedicated to spending time with my precious littles. yes I could've don't the laundry and scrubbed the floors on my days off. I was too busy worrying about spending a fun day with my kids because its what they wanted the most nd I would do anything to put smiles on their faces.
ANYWAY. long story short...everyday is a new chance. everyday is a gift.
tlm♥

its been nice.

actually written and filmed on May 23rd, 2018
SiJCP was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I do not have one negative thing to say about working for this wonderful company. It was some of the best times of my life...things I will forever remember and be the most thankful for.
But, things like this aren't forever. Change is an absolute constant. I needed time to regroup myself...as a mom. As a human being. I could feel myself becoming more and more unhappy. Mentally I was breaking. Mentally I was losing myself. Saying that out loud is scary. Thinking it was so scary. I couldn't do it to myself any longer. My babies were unhappy also...I could feel it. not seeing their mommy or daddy for sometimes 10 hours for 5 days a week....and never fully bing a complete day with either was taking a toll on them and myself. I couldn't bear it any longer than I did. I don't regret a thing. It was the best decision I could make for me and my lil family.
Heres to the future. Heres to myself. Heres to my babies. Im ready to try and live my best life.

I took my glasses off.

What l i t t l e light that's left, we need to keep it sacred. I know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape you. But we could let the light I l l u m i n a t e these hopeless places.