Thursday, May 31, 2018

self doubt



is a murderer of a lot of different things. Its funny...I start these things off with something that I'm feeling in the moment. This title..is the first thing that popped into my head when I sat down to type something out because I felt the need to come and vent. I'm V bad at keeping any kind of friendship. Im almost just as bad at keeping any kind of relationship in general. I can barely keep up with my family, sisters brothers...grandparents..anyone to be honest. its s serious. I've always been this way. I do not understand it. I wish someone could tell ME for gods sake. I have no idea what that has to do with self doubt...just go with me here..I'm just spewing out whatever is coming to my mind right now. This is normal...for my brain, my mind. All over the place..BUT in real life you could probably never tell that my mind is racing in a thousand different directions unless Its a couple hours after my quad shot. then maybe you might be able to tell a little bit. Bt I'm actually a pro at hiding the way I really feel most of the time. Thats truth. Im really good at looking like I'm okay. (most of the time) sometimes my mom will notice..ACTUALLY my mom notices a lot of the times. But I'm assuming its just a mothers instinct. moms know everything. I know because I myself am a mother of two. whom I know so well. like the back of my damn hand. BETTER actually. I never really got that, or really understood that until I had my own kids. or lived with someone for almost 8 years. I Guess this all ties back to just feeling sad. a lot.. or just not content. Is anyone really though? thats a good question.
Are you happy? is anyone?...really? I feel like its a good thing (I started that off with "I FEEL" instead of "I KNOW"..because I really don't know if its a good thing or not..) that I am recognizing that I'm sad a lot, before it gets a lil too late. Id never let myself get to that "too late" sad stage. I know I have so many things to live for. BUT, that doesn't mean I am not super sad some days. like the last time I posted here. that was a day that just, completely took over everything. I had to force myself to get dressed. to get off the bed, to put makeup on...TO BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH. if it wasn't my baby brothers birthday I honestly don't think I would've been any kind of productive.
Maybe if I start eating healthy? I mean...its a start right. maybe its my eating habits. does that really work? wheres the doctor? for all my questions.
My kids are rays of fucking sunshine in my little world. They are the light of my life. LITERALLY. They really do brighten up my days. but its when they're not looking that I feel myself sinking. And when they're little faces glance at me, its like they catch me. Pull me up. And then when they turn back to whatever it is they were doing...I'm falling again.
If you are a friend, family member, whoever, etc...Don't be alarmed...I promise I'm okay. Im sure if someone reads this is going to call me, text me, message me with "are you okay?" "I'm here if you need someone to talk to" with I absolutely will appreciate. I don't know why I feel like such a damn bitch for saying that just now but its because Im an absolute fucking crazy person when I say I don't like talking to people. GODDDDD I wish you, whoever you are knew what the hell I meant. and even if you think you might know what I mean, I'm absolutely one hundred and fifty million percent sure you do not. I literally don't like talking to people. Anyone. I Barely tolerate my family. when I say BARELY its serious. My sisters, brothers, cousins grandparents etc...I can. ANYONE ELSE, I cannot  find myself to WANT TO REPLY OR EVEN CONVERSATE. Its so sad honestly. I don't now what the fuck is wrong with me. don't get me wrong though...at work I was so good at communication. Asked so many questions, talked and conversated when I needed to. With clients and customers...my co workers. But I can honestly tell you that if I never had to talk to them I wouldn't be upset about it. THAT SOUNDS SOOOOO FUCKING MESSED UP. because it fucking is my dude. it really is. I don't know what is wrong with me..
I loved those girls. Loved? I still do. some of the sweetest coolest girls Ive ever known. thats the truth. Each of them so unique is so many different ways. gah...
Anyway...its not that they were ugly, rude, or mean to me. never. I just am super not into conversations. Im not good at it. jeez.
look at all this word vomit I've thrown. SPEWED OUT.
I was arguing, or "fighting" with Ivan..before this word vomit. Thats why im here. I knew I probably just needed to write it out. Everything I just wrote has literally nothing to do with what we were arguing about.
sounds like he's watching a movie in there but I'm like 70% sure he's asleep. Im tired.. and want to go cuddle him. I think hear the sink running. he might be awake ..yea it was the sink. he's awake.
tlm
@iamhertribe on the gram 

Monday, May 28, 2018

my morning.

with a lil madness.

26 by Paramore

Man, you really know how to get someone down
E v e r y t h i n g was fine until you came around
I've been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn't I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don't let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn't care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window
And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go

I'm hoping someday maybe I'll just float away
And I'll forget every cynical thing you say
When you gonna hear me out
Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don't let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
But I wouldn't care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart
Survival will not be the hardest part
It's keeping all your hopes alive
When all the rest of you has died

So let it break your heart

Hold on to hope if you got it
Don't let it go for nobody
They say that dreaming is free
I wouldn't care what it cost me



Sunday, May 27, 2018

not sure.

not really sure whats going on with me and my emotions right about now. im all over the place. I feel like I could cry. right now. tears could just pour out of my eyes. today was just, not a good day. I was sad. all day long. did not feel good. all day. I felt sad. all. day. There hasn't been this sad of a dy for a really long time. I've had a lump in my throat since I've woken up. idk if its all the internet my brain has had all day...but that honestly could be it. I was with family a lot of the day...I just.  couldn't pull myself out of this funk. I did my makeup...did it light and not heavy...thinking it would make me fell at least a lil better.. but really...It didn't. Ivans still at work..and hopefully will be home soon. im literally tearing up at just the thought of him coming home. I was thinking when he got home I could just let go of all these tears...but I also feel like thats so selfish to do because I don't want him to not know what to do. I don't want hm to worry. like...not know what to do because it honestly would be for almost nothing. I've just had a bad day...for nothing specific. I just don't feel good. im starting to think I. maybe am depressed. I hate with a passion to say that even. because I know a lot of people suffer from that far worse than i. its not fair to them.  im writing hoping this all goes away tonight and I wake up a little bit more chipper. or maybe I should just have a good cry. my head hurts. sometimes I wish I did drugs. like popped a pill or two. smoked a blunt...or something. to take all this away.
I had to top thinking for a second because I was about to cry and make the biggest mess of this face. that has about five tons of mascara on. All I want to do is go to Disney..I know that is the only way ill be free of this feeling. the only way I can have that is if im making money.  which that in fact I am not. I want to work hard so I can...but with the bullshit that I pulled today...its v hard. its literally slowing me down. like it ha this hold on me. pulling me. eating at my mind. maybe this is just temporary...just for now. maybe tomorrow ill fell better. im hoping so.
im going to make myself a cup of tea...take this makeup off.


and then maybe ill have that cry.

tlm