Inevitable

This is your life there's no way to run from it; the doubt in your brain or the pain in your stomach...

I only have one complaint at the moment:  Don't paint me black when I used to be golden.

I swim in the water that's breaking your levy,

The way that you left me is alright, it's alright. If I argue the point then we yell and we fight, and I won't be home for the rest of the night. You might hate my words, but you know that I'm right.

I hope this makes you sad.

All of this frustrates me bad, 

'Cause I can't stay mad at you or change anything I had. 

Fire

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Even if I complain, even if I curse your name to the heavens. You're my favorite person on the planet. I can't explain what you mean to me. I love you unconditionally, irrevocably, for the rest of my life. 💋

Yours, now & always.

I live to let you shine.

https://soundcloud.com/gregandthehawk/boats-and-birds 

OCTOBER holds so many memories.

This picture says so much. It brings back so many memories. Happy times. When we were in love. I'd do anything in the world to go back. I miss you, like you have no idea. The feeling back then was so intense i still feel a tinge of it in my stomach as i write this, Always, i get a butterfly in my stomach...still. How much does that tell you. There was no down time for the butterflies in my stomach from the moment i met you. It was instant, fucking instant. You drove me insane. In the best way possible. Now you drive me crazy, in the worst way. I love you, for everything that you've done for me. I love you for how much you've loved me in the past four years. Thank you for treating me different than any other girl. I love you forever.

This, That & This.

With A smile that opens up like a rose does, even when it all felt so fuckin hopeless.

fuck life.

I'm so fuckin moody dude. Like, i don't even know wtf anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm just so unhappy with my life right now that, everything, absolutely everything has me sooooooo fuckin sad. I don't even want to be writing this right now. i just feel like staying in bed till Ivan gets home. i have so many things to say, but cant. so many different things, about so many different things. I hate the fact that i do not have a life. i sit at home, clean up after my kids and make food, and change diapers, give baths and clean some more. i don't have a job where i leave my kids with a baby sitter and see them 5 to 6 hours later...i don't go out with friends, i barely even have a handful of friends. I'm just soooo fucking tired of living this boring mediocre life. I want things to be different, and i know the only person who can make it happen is me. I'm going to do things this year the way i want to. And not just sit on my ass and watch life pass me by.

Familiar places.

I've never felt so unappreciated in my life. I'm not a bad girlfriend, take my word on it. I'm sure I have my days where I'm a little on edge and not the FRIENDLIEST...but 90% of the time I AM. I know, I do not deserve this shit. I'm so fucking sick of it. Going back and fourth, always saying I'm fucking done. He is the ugliest souled person on the planet, and I fucking hate him for making me feel less than what I'm actually worth. This is not some dumb little girl rant, who's just gonna go back and be with the person who takes me for granted...I'm honestly so tired of it. I'm fucking DONE. I'm so fucking done.

BURNING

This is seriously the last straw. I don't know what's gonna make me understand, that Ivan Nivardo Torres does not give a flying fuck about me. How do I know this you ask? This is the UMPTEENTH time that he's made me feel like bacteria!! It's fucking ridiculous. I don't understand it. One day it's like perfection, and literally the next day; and sometimes even the same day...it goes sour. More like goes straight to SHIT!!! He's the biggest arrogant, ignorant, selfish ASSHOLE IVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. WHY DO I STAY? Is your new question probably. WELL in order to leave FIRST OF ALL, I'd need somewhere to go. SECOND, also in order to go, I'd need a car. In order to get a car at all, I'd have to have a job, to save money. In order to have and keep a job, I'd have to be there everyday and get there on time or get there PERIOD. I'D HAVE TO HAVE A FUCKING CAR!!!! I'm stuck. Stuck in this fucking hell hole. No longer a somber 15 foot hole in the ground. A fucking burning, gross, disgusting unbearable, dirt hole in the ground. Sharing it with the world ugliest souled person. I've never been so tired of everything in my life.  

xo

The lovely manic.

a letter.

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I won't ever for a second wish I never met you. I'm actually kind of grateful for going through what you put me through, what you did to me. I learned so much, about relationships, being human...about myself. I hope you don't lay a hand on another female. I don't think you ever will. And if I'm the reason for that, then I'm glad I was the first. Hopefully I'm the last, because I know you know but I'll tell you again...no women on earth deserves to be hit by a male. I'm so happy that you've found someone and that you've made your own family. I never wonder if things could've been different because I met the father of my children. If it wasnt that summer day we fell apart, I never would have met him. We're not friends, I doubt we ever will be. I don't think we ever were to bein with. I'm writing this to get words out of my head and off my chest. I hope you're happy and I hope you and your family are doing well. I hope your nana is healthy and your dad is doing good. Thank you for...the good times. And thanks for all of the bad. Take care.

Letter 2

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You were my best friend, the best girlfriend a girl can have. Always there for me when I needed anything. Always there's to listen to anything I had to say. I've never met anyone so beautiful from the INSIDE AND OUT. One of the most unique people I've ever met. You have the most beautiful soul, passionate & mad mind. Those are some of the reasons why I love you so much. I'll never forget the endless nights filled with conversations that would never end, that we're crazy and weird and heart felt. Like a therapy session we'd have almost every weekend. You trusted me so much, and I trusted you right back.  My sister, friend and partner in crime, you grew into such a strong and independent MOTHER. Seriously the most strong and independent person I've EVER met. No exaggeration. You are such a strong person, raising two beautiful little girls on your own! That home is all you, that car, is all you. The food in your fridge, your furniture, your clothes and belongings. That's all you girl. I love you for all of it. Your backbone is made of freaking steel. I love you so much, and admire your strength and courageous heart...and wish one day I could be that strong hearted. I'm so glad I got to be your best friend for time that I was. We will always have that special bond, and we will  a l w a y s  be friends. 

-love you always.